This is a husband problem

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I work for the same company in different positions. Last year, I found out he was having an emotional and nearly physical affair with a married coworker. I gave him the choice to either work on our marriage and find a different job or a divorce. He chose our marriage and found another job. We been in counseling since and have made slow process. I never confided in anyone at work about what happened, as I didn’t want to be the subject of gossip.

The problem is the bitch is transferring to my team, and I will be forced to interact with her daily, and not just occasionally see her in the break room.

I don’t want to have to lay all this the feet of my supervisor or go to our mostly useless HR, but if I am forced to face this woman day in and day out, I am probably going to attack her with a stapler. As far as I know, she thinks I don’t know about what happened between her and my husband. I am very tempted to threaten her to quit and find another position in the company, or that I will give her husband every bit of the disgusting texts that passed between her and my husband. I feel very sorry for this man, and I have been tempted more than once to tell him the truth. What should I do?

banana468

Why can't you tell HR that you feel the need to inform them that you don't want to discuss it further but you do have a personal conflict with the new person assigned to your team and want to ensure that it's known in advance.

And if you are forced to work with her I'd be clear, "Oh we didn't work together but I believe you are very familiar with my husband's work?" 

Casadena

I feel like this LW is a vindictive b*tch. Listen, I wouldn't be thrilled to work with my husbands former mistress, no one would be. But SHE didn't wrong your marriage, your husband did. You chose to stay together and that's fine, but she's not doing anything wrong by doing the work she's assigned to do and she doesn't deserve to be bullied out of a job because of a mistake in her personal life. Leave her alone or find another job yourself. 

My answer changes if LW or mistress is in each other's chain of command. Neither is obviously able to remain neutral enough to have actual control over the other's work/position/standing at the company (and shouldn't be asked to) and I'd bring it to HR at that point. But if it's just equals on a team, get over yourself before you blow up your own job/livelihood with personal threats or bullying behavior. 

banana468

Meh - I think it's both.  If the H is truly remorseful then he's trying to fix.

She ALSO engaged in an extramarital emotional affair if she's married.  It may not be directed AT this person but I'd question the motivation to want to work on the same team as someone you betrayed. 

levioosa

Eh, I think both parties suck. Husband sucks major ass for stepping out, and she sucks major ass for entertaining a married man. I'd tell HR that there were some pre-existing personal issues and see if there was another option for placement for her, especially if there's a power imbalance in either direction. For sure this LW sounds like she would be petty. And to be fair, it would be hard not to be petty, but don't let it tank your job. 

Casadena

Of course LW should feel all these feelings and not want to work with her. That said, imo she's taking it WAY too far - her language is over the top, and if taken at face value is thinking about actively trying to affect this woman's job. That's so far out of the realm of ok, it's hard for me to be overly sympathetic. These are things you might think in your head, but then put your big girl pants on and do your job. 

MyNameIsNot

It sounds like it's time for LW to look for another job. Even a good HR department is not going to get involved in pre-existing interpersonal issues between peers, especially without knowing specifically what happened. Part of being a professional means being able to calmly work with people you don't like without attacking them with office equipment. 

I wouldn't want to work with my husband's mistress either, but I wouldn't expect my employer to keep her away from me.

short+sassy

I fall on the side of the LW should talk to their manager or HR, but without going into details, if it is possible for one of them to be moved to a different team due to personal issues.  If it isn't, then I get why it's awful, but the LW needs to suck it up and not let it affect their work.  Or become the villain themselves by threatening the other woman with blackmail.

But I appreciate the funny imagery of one coworker attacking another coworker with a stapler.  And you know I automatically pictured it as a red stapler like in Office Space.