Not your circus

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I’m a single guy with a close male friend. We are both in our mid-thirties. He has probably been my closest friend since 9th grade. About eight years ago, he revealed to me that he is gay. It made no difference in our friendship. But I know he has never told any of his family, and I don’t think any of his other friends either. So everyone but me sees him as straight. About a year or so ago, I asked him how he engages with other gays, since he never seems to date. He explained he goes to a larger city about 90 minutes from our rather smallish town, and visits gay bars there. And he added, “I have action here in town too. There are three married men who come to my house from time to time. All three of them think they are the only one. I am only telling you because I know you will never tell anyone.” Fine. Of course I will never tell anyone.

Then, two weeks ago, I was coming home from another friend’s house at 11 PM, and the main road was closed for construction, and I had to detour to other streets. I happened to pass my friend’s house, and recognized a vehicle in his driveway. It belongs to a woman I work with, and she sometimes brings that vehicle to work. It has personalized plates on it, so I instantly knew it was hers. I also realized that she was currently out of town for three days for training. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I have met her husband before. Great couple. But I am 90 percent sure why he is at my friend’s house (since the house is dark). This has been a tough two weeks. I wish I had never taken that route. I have a hard time talking to her at work. I made a promise, and I will never break it. But I feel like I almost need to get another job. What would you do?

banana468

I don't like the not your circus situation when there's infidelity and STDs are a possibility.

1) I don't think it's really great to have the mums the word approach when you're dealing with a potential breach of trust and bringing someone else in on it.

2) Maybe everything he's doing is safe but he's blatantly saying that he's engaged in sexual relationships with numerous partners.  That's opening the door for STDs.

I'd go back, "I told you that I wouldn't tell anyone but seeing that you're in an extramarital affair with my coworker's husband makes me realize that was a promise I shouldn't have made. "

short+sassy

I don't know why the LW is holding so dear to a promise he made after that information was forced upon him.

But that is immaterial to this particular situation.  MYOB.  It's one thing if this woman was a close friend of his.  But she isn't.  She's his coworker.  It will just make their work together more awkward if he says something.  Then she will be upset her husband is cheating on her.  Or thinks the LW is lying because that's easier for her to believe and be mad at him.  All while having to face the LW every day at work and now she is very uncomfortable also.

OR.  The wife and her H have an open marriage.  Or a similar arrangement and the wife is aware of things.  Except now her nosy coworker brought it up.  The least likely scenario, but not unheard of either.

charlotte989875

You don’t know what happened, you don’t know anything about your coworkers marriage, and you don’t know if they are/aren’t using protection. So basically all you do know is you saw a familiar car at your friends house. 

They’re adults. You can remind your friend about STDs and multiple partners but the rest is not your business. 

MyNameIsNot

Stay out of it. People are going to do what people are going to do whether you know about it or not. 

VarunaTT

Man, I loathe DL gay culture.  A lot.  To be perfectly frank, I'm not friends with them once I find out.  I have plenty of gay men friends who have open relationships and then I'm like, cool, I'm fine with that one, as long as everyone is on Prep and using protection.  I am always shocked by my younger gay men friends who aren't on prep or using protection.  Several of them have listened to looooooong lectures from me, and gotten resources, and gotten on it.  I didn't live through the 80s and 90s and losing friends and having to be a queer elder b/c we're missing an entire generation, for you to play FAFO.

LW needs to keep their mouth closed.  This really isn't his business.  I would casually ask if friend was on prep and using other protection though.

short+sassy

VarunaTT said:

Man, I loathe DL gay culture.  A lot.  To be perfectly frank, I'm not friends with them once I find out.  I have plenty of gay men friends who have open relationships and then I'm like, cool, I'm fine with that one, as long as everyone is on Prep and using protection.  I am always shocked by my younger gay men friends who aren't on prep or using protection.  Several of them have listened to looooooong lectures from me, and gotten resources, and gotten on it.  I didn't live through the 80s and 90s and losing friends and having to be a queer elder b/c we're missing an entire generation, for you to play FAFO.

LW needs to keep their mouth closed.  This really isn't his business.  I would casually ask if friend was on prep and using other protection though.

My H and I used to live across the street from a gay couple (S and C)who were in that era.  One of them (S) contracted AIDS in the early days, when there weren't even many treatment options yet.  It was miraculous he had survived.  But he was plagued with a lot of health problems over his life because of this disease.

We became pretty good friends with them.  They would sometimes tell us what it was like to be gay men in the 1970s-80s.  It was heartbreaking to hear their stories.  They had so many friends and people they knew who had died from AIDS.  They absolutely had to hide being gay back then.  You couldn't get a job or would get fired if people found out.  Physical violence if any PDA was seen or someone thought a person was gay.  I know those things still unfortunately happen.  But those were "would happens" not "might happens" in those days.

Ugh, when people would have same sex marriage debates and a point you'd hear was same-sex relationships are more transitory and not as serious.  Ummm...these neighbors are one of the longest relationships I have seen in my life.  They started dating in the mid-80s and are still together.  C knew S had AIDS when they met.  I assume they were careful because in all this time, C has never contracted HIV.