FSIL is a bridesmaid and a problem?

knottiedd09fb9109cb7623

Hi!

Looking to rant. It's kind of a long one. My wedding is in 8 days, and we've had some problems with my future husband's sister. I had originally included her in the bridal party because my FSIL and fiance have always promised to be in each other's weddings and I wanted to keep that. She got married back in 2020, and he was in that. I want to point out that she has always had a history of irrational behavior, and for awhile my fiance and her were not speaking but a few years ago they came into each other's lives again. 

So one small hiccup is that she tried bailing on my bachelorette party the night before. They are really sensitive to covid still, and her mom had it so they were freaking out they couldn't come. Then people kept bailing on watching their dogs when on the trip and they were trying to make it our issue that they couldn't find anyone to watch them. They ended up coming because it was only for two days, so I didn't pay too much attention to it.

Another thing that was really small was she was also trying to ask us who should go back and check on  her dogs during the wedding (since she is bringing them with her) and trying to make that our issue. I felt that as long as she was there by the times I needed her to be, she shouldn't of been bothering us about the dogs. She almost said she might not be able to come if they couldn't find someone to watch them.

Fast forward to today... my future sister in law and her husband recently found out they were 5 months pregnant. They were struggling with fertility issues for so long and we are SO happy for them. I have been trying to accommodate her in every way possible since she told us for the ceremony (if she will need to sit, and about our timeline for wedding pictures). Our big wedding day is next week but we eloped last weekend before hand for reference. only immediate family & the bridal party know this. We mentioned it to everyone but most people have kind of forgotten except them. She told us the day after she was pregnant and didn't even congratulate us when she called. She only shared the news she was pregnant which upset my fiance (now husband). I said it was okay because they have been trying for so long. It's not like shes announcing it on the day of our wedding.

It was already pre-determined that the girls were wearing all the same 2 inch heels with their dresses. I wanted the shoes to be the same, as I let them pick out all their own styles and am letting them do whatever they feel comfortable with for hair etc. From the beginning, his sister was freaking out because she never does heels, and I said that she only had to wear them for pictures and for the ceremony. She could take them off immediately after. Now with the pregnancy added, she is freaking out that she can't wear them at all. I sent her a 1 inch heel that was identical to the other girls and she said those were still too high. So, she proceeds to go around me and to my fiance (now husband) and says "please explain that I cannot wear heels for the wedding. We were upset that she didn't approach us correctly, so I sent her a really nice message saying that flats are perfectly fine as long as they match the other girls. We just cared that she was comfortable. She didn't even read my message and continued to say "if I can't wear flats I cant be in your wedding" and was just overall very rude about it. We got on the phone with my mother in law and we felt like his sister was making everything about her. We worked it out and gave her plenty of options. To her credit, she is 5 months pregnant and I am trying to tread very cautiously with this. I was annoyed about the shoe thing for 5 minutes and got over it, but her not hearing anything what I was saying was hurtful to me. Also, we got our wedding pictures back from our elopement and his mother didn't even say anything until I pointed it out. I don't really know what I'm asking for here, whether it's advice or not but I want to try to think I'm not being a bridezilla on this. Since we eloped I'm trying not to stress out too bad, but since she's had a history of behavior like this even before she was pregnant, I'm not sure if I should blame it on hormones and not take it personally. 

MyNameIsNot

knottiedd09fb9109cb7623 said:

Hi!

Looking to rant. It's kind of a long one. My wedding is in 8 days, and we've had some problems with my future husband's sister. I had originally included her in the bridal party because my FSIL and fiance have always promised to be in each other's weddings and I wanted to keep that. She got married back in 2020, and he was in that. I want to point out that she has always had a history of irrational behavior, and for awhile my fiance and her were not speaking but a few years ago they came into each other's lives again. 

So one small hiccup is that she tried bailing on my bachelorette party the night before. They are really sensitive to covid still, and her mom had it so they were freaking out they couldn't come. Then people kept bailing on watching their dogs when on the trip and they were trying to make it our issue that they couldn't find anyone to watch them. They ended up coming because it was only for two days, so I didn't pay too much attention to it.

Another thing that was really small was she was also trying to ask us who should go back and check on  her dogs during the wedding (since she is bringing them with her) and trying to make that our issue. I felt that as long as she was there by the times I needed her to be, she shouldn't of been bothering us about the dogs. She almost said she might not be able to come if they couldn't find someone to watch them.

Fast forward to today... my future sister in law and her husband recently found out they were 5 months pregnant. They were struggling with fertility issues for so long and we are SO happy for them. I have been trying to accommodate her in every way possible since she told us for the ceremony (if she will need to sit, and about our timeline for wedding pictures). Our big wedding day is next week but we eloped last weekend before hand for reference. only immediate family & the bridal party know this. We mentioned it to everyone but most people have kind of forgotten except them. She told us the day after she was pregnant and didn't even congratulate us when she called. She only shared the news she was pregnant which upset my fiance (now husband). I said it was okay because they have been trying for so long. It's not like shes announcing it on the day of our wedding.

It was already pre-determined that the girls were wearing all the same 2 inch heels with their dresses. I wanted the shoes to be the same, as I let them pick out all their own styles and am letting them do whatever they feel comfortable with for hair etc. From the beginning, his sister was freaking out because she never does heels, and I said that she only had to wear them for pictures and for the ceremony. She could take them off immediately after. Now with the pregnancy added, she is freaking out that she can't wear them at all. I sent her a 1 inch heel that was identical to the other girls and she said those were still too high. So, she proceeds to go around me and to my fiance (now husband) and says "please explain that I cannot wear heels for the wedding. We were upset that she didn't approach us correctly, so I sent her a really nice message saying that flats are perfectly fine as long as they match the other girls. We just cared that she was comfortable. She didn't even read my message and continued to say "if I can't wear flats I cant be in your wedding" and was just overall very rude about it. We got on the phone with my mother in law and we felt like his sister was making everything about her. We worked it out and gave her plenty of options. To her credit, she is 5 months pregnant and I am trying to tread very cautiously with this. I was annoyed about the shoe thing for 5 minutes and got over it, but her not hearing anything what I was saying was hurtful to me. Also, we got our wedding pictures back from our elopement and his mother didn't even say anything until I pointed it out. I don't really know what I'm asking for here, whether it's advice or not but I want to try to think I'm not being a bridezilla on this. Since we eloped I'm trying not to stress out too bad, but since she's had a history of behavior like this even before she was pregnant, I'm not sure if I should blame it on hormones and not take it personally. 

So 1) She complained about needing to find care for her dogs when travelling twice and 2) She doesn't want to wear heels. 

I don't see what you're so upset about. Sure, it's annoying when people complain about pet care, but that's just how humans are sometimes. It's a complete bridezilla move to insist anyone wear matching or specific shoes in the first place, so that's on you. 

It sounds like you just don't like her and are looking for something to be upset about. 

knottiedd09fb9109cb7623

Just wanted to note that I told her she could wear what she wanted as long as she was comfortable along with making necessary accommodations for her during the ceremony even though this was said in my initial post. 


Even though for her wedding, she made everyone wear yellow converse and nobody said a word about it.

knottiedd09fb9109cb7623

Just wanted to note that I told her she could wear what she wanted as long as she was comfortable along with making necessary accommodations for her during the ceremony even though this was said in my initial post. 


Even though for her wedding, she made everyone wear yellow converse and nobody said a word about it. Meant to respond directly to you. Sorry!

Jen4948

Something we do tend to tell people here is that nobody is going to care about your wedding as much as you do. They're going to care more about their own issues, like their pregnancies, their dogs, and not being expected to wear shoes that make them uncomfortable.

The important thing to remember here is that those are her issues to resolve, not yours. You can set boundaries, such as no dogs at the wedding, and if she tries to create further drama, I would hold your ground but not get further involved. Try bean-dipping if she complains: "I'm sorry you're having so much trouble. Bean dip?"

Also, you're already married. Since you didn't keep it secret, it really wasn't an "elopement." The term "elopement" means to marry in secret. That being the case, it could explain the lack of enthusiasm you are perceiving about the upcoming event. 

As far as your sister-in-law is concerned, since she has problems wearing heels, I would accommodate her on that and let her pick shoes that work for her. It really doesn't matter if they don't match the other bridesmaids' shoes or that she made everyone wear shoes of her choice at her wedding. 

That said, it does sound like you're trying to accommodate her as best you can, but I don't think you are responsible for her dogs.

banana468

I don't know what the big deal in all of this is.  

Who cares what shoes she wears?? That's inventing issues.  I would nicely deflect any conversation on dog care and move on. 

It sounds like you have a strained relationship with her and are looking for offenses and so much of what you posted is a list of stuff you need to let go especially since you're already married. 

knottiedd09fb9109cb7623

Thanks everyone for the advice. Honestly at this point I’ve been trying to accommodate her in every way possible. I don’t care about the shoes anymore. as I mentioned, I’ve been trying to accommodate her in every way possible and she’s been saying absolutely nothing. Instead she told my husband she hopes I have a bad pregnancy like hers and that I get sick all the time. This was unprovoked.

ive decided to just let this all go and focus on what I need to do to have a good wedding celebration with me. What she did was very hurtful and I can’t do anything about it at this point. She can act however she wants but I’m not going to let that take away from the wedding day festivities. 

banana468

knottiedd09fb9109cb7623 said:

Thanks everyone for the advice. Honestly at this point I’ve been trying to accommodate her in every way possible. I don’t care about the shoes anymore. as I mentioned, I’ve been trying to accommodate her in every way possible and she’s been saying absolutely nothing. Instead she told my husband she hopes I have a bad pregnancy like hers and that I get sick all the time. This was unprovoked.

ive decided to just let this all go and focus on what I need to do to have a good wedding celebration with me. What she did was very hurtful and I can’t do anything about it at this point. She can act however she wants but I’m not going to let that take away from the wedding day festivities. 

It seems like she's trying to get people to help her with her dog issue which is not your circus and not your monkey.

But you harped on the issue of not attending the bachelorette when she had a valid reason and was possibly knowing she was expecting at the time.  And it's not cool to wish you a future horrible pregnancy but you also owe yourself to be introspective that you were micromanaging the shoe choice of a grown adult woman who is pregnant and looking for a way to be comfortable at 5 months.

She didn't wish you a big congratulations when you eloped but you're having a big celebration and not telling half the guests.  I'm confused about what day you're wanting everyone to recognize as your wedding day.

You seem to have set a lot of expectations for others and those can be the foundation for disappointment.  In addition, it seems like you're attempting to control a lot regarding the dress and behavior of grown adults and I can't stress enough that if you aren't attempting to control people then you won't bring yourself extra stress that grown adults will do what they want. 

MobKaz

Typically, I would suggest that all these things won't matter, because in the end, you will be married.  but that's already done as well.  Just enjoy your celebration.