Dear Prudence,
A few years ago, I moved to a retirement community and became close friends with a fellow widow, “Marie,” even though I have one of the most basic condos and Marie has a big house on the golf course, a yacht, and numerous other properties she mostly rents out. We each have one child, and each had our first grandchild last year. We bonded through joking about how we have opposite problems with our daughters.
My daughter, “Sydney,” lives 25-30 minutes away. Her husband works long hours so she can be a stay-at-home mom. Sydney is a lovely person I’m proud of having raised, but has a slight lazy streak. I admit I feel a little resentment because I have the same tendency, but I overcame it for her sake. Since giving birth, Sydney would constantly ask me to babysit and help her with housework and errands, acting bewildered and put-upon if I wanted to spend the day relaxing or taking a class instead, and even accusing me of not caring about her child.
Marie’s daughter “Claire,” on the other hand, lives a long plane ride away, and was reluctant even to let Marie visit for a few days after her child was born. Marie has not seen her grandchild in person since. Nor does Claire want to FaceTime with her, and gets annoyed if she calls or asks for pictures of her grandchild. Marie is a warm and wonderful person and as far as I can tell, there’s no real bad blood with Claire. She just says Claire has always been very independent and somewhat cold. Claire is a single mother by choice, and Marie was very hurt that she hired a nanny rather than letting Marie fill that role, but thinks it’s because she wanted someone she could treat like a servant instead of a family member.
For these reasons, Marie and I often joked that we should switch daughters. Then one day I took her with me to visit Sydney, and they really hit it off! Since then Marie, who’s much more energetic and extroverted than I am, has frequently gone to visit Sydney and babysit my grandchild without me. Sydney just announced that she’s pregnant with her second child, and Marie is thrilled about getting to experience the pregnancy and newborn time that she missed with Claire. She’s even talking about changing her will to make Sydney her primary beneficiary, instead of Claire! She’s still just joking, but this whole thing started with jokes, so I wonder. Should I encourage this? Do I have a duty to warn Claire (whom I’ve never spoken to) that she is in danger of losing her inheritance if she doesn’t repair her relationship with her mother? Or should I just stay out of it and let what happens happen?