Dear Prudence,
I am a 50-year-old woman working in the healthcare field in a job that I feel effective at and satisfied with. I have been happily married for 25 years and have three lovely adolescent/young adult children. I have a small group of close friends who feel more like family. I am generally well and grounded and happy with my life and relationships.
That said, I grew up without a lot of resources and experienced a number of traumatic events, including physical and sexual abuse during childhood. Many of these experiences were directly related to the high level of stress, neglect, and lack of skills from my parents (they both participated in the physical abuse and were complicit in the sexual abuse due to lack of supervision, actively ignoring warning signs and danger). I know that they did the best they could (they both had very challenging and traumatic childhoods themselves), but it obviously wasn’t good for me. I have spent a lot of time since I moved out as an adolescent seeking therapy and pursuing my own path of wellness, which has generally been productive, although painful.
Over time, it has become clear to me that I really don’t value time with them. They have not endeavored any mental health or insight journeys and their perspectives and ways of communicating remain very unhealthy. My mother in particular has become very good at presenting as a functioning and caring person but does not have the tools to maintain real or meaningful connections with others (she is defensive, cannot apologize, has an explosive temper, does not proactively try to communicate or reach out and blames others for challenges in the relationship, displays toxic positivity and passive aggression, etc.) I tried hard when my children were younger (perhaps due to my desire to experience a “do over” with her through her relationships with my children) to forge those connections and give my parents (safe) access to my children, but it never really went anywhere. My father is not interested and my mother seems incapable. My children are fine; they have lovely and loving and steadfast relationships with a number of adults in their lives and don’t seem at all disappointed about their lack of relationship with my parents.
The problem is, my mother really wants to at least appear to have a relationship with me and my family. She wants to come to our home for the holidays and the children’s birthdays and post photos on Facebook and display photos of the children on her mantle, etc. Now that they are all older, we’ve been able to get away from the birthday thing (what 20-year-old spends their birthday blowing out candles with their grandmother, even if they are close?), but the holidays are still a challenge. They live out of state and expect for my siblings and I to get together with our families (almost always at my house, which is another issue!). I have tried in the past to have honest conversations with my mother about what would need to change in order to have a more meaningful relationship, and it has always ended in screaming and tears (on her end). I am not interested in trying that anymore. I guess I am looking for permission to continue to hold them at arm’s length and do the bare minimum. We get so much messaging about “family is forever” and “coming together,” especially at the holidays, and I just don’t want to. I will do the bare minimum, but I don’t know if I will ever love my parents or forgive them; I feel like that is somewhat out of my control. I have done everything I can. Is that ok?