Dear Prudence,
I am in an interracial relationship. We have a wonderful partnership and are headed toward marriage. On the phone with my mother recently, I was excitedly talking about the future.
I made an off-hand, cheeky joke about how I hope our future children don’t end up looking like my partner’s sister, who is a nasty person, despite being beautiful. I wouldn’t want to see her reflected in my kids’ faces, though I know this doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I was mostly joking! My mom’s response shocked and upset me: “Well, that’s what you get for marrying a [person of my partner’s race].”
I immediately told her that it was a horrible and deeply inappropriate thing to say. She tried to justify it by saying that my partner and his family have strong features, but the truth is that my partner and his sister don’t even look alike. My mom completely adores my partner, treats him like a son, and has never said anything racist about him or our relationship before. She’s somewhat sheltered despite having open-minded, inclusive values. I am so disappointed in her. My problem is that I’m having trouble articulating to her why her words were so racist and upsetting. We usually communicate well, and I know she’ll give this issue serious thought once I can figure out how to explain it to her. Can you provide a script so I can better explain to her why this was wrong?