FI or EXgf? Can't have both

Casadena

Dear Prudence, 

After graduate school, I had a serious girlfriend, “Sasha.” We were very much in love, super compatible, and lived together for a few years, but I wanted kids and she didn’t. The relationship was so good that we stayed together for five years trying to change our own minds on the subject but at the end of the day, we split up. It was heartbreaking for us both but because of the reason or the breakup, we were able to stay friends. We kept in touch, checked in at holidays, major life events, etc. We gave each other advice (not on dating!) and had drinks every so often. We even reconnected intimately and tried to give it another go a couple of years after the split but the kids thing was still too big an issue.

Anyway, a couple of years ago, I moved across the country from our hometown and met my now fiancée, “Kelly.” My contact with Sasha naturally kind of tapered off to just birthdays and the like. Kelly is amazing. Now I just learned from Sasha’s best friend that Sasha has stage 4 cancer. The friend was in my new town and ended up spilling this over drinks. Sasha has no family so her friends have really stepped up to take her to appointments, cook for her, etc. Best Friend was explaining that they’re happy to do it but it’s really hard because they almost all have young kids and work. And Sasha is super reluctant to be a burden so Best Friend is worried things are falling through the cracks.

Here’s the thing: The nature of my job and my finances means I can work from anywhere. I’d really like to (with Sasha’s permission of course, which Best Friend was also positive she would give) return to our hometown and help. I could take up the burden of the appointments, the cooking and shopping. I know it would be a huge help to her friends, and I still care a lot about Sasha.

Kelly, my fiancée, said absolutely not. I explained I could afford to rent a small place near Sasha and fly home to Kelly for at least a week a month but that this was something I really wanted to do. It wouldn’t be forever. I hate to be blunt but it’s unlikely she will go into remission. I have explained over and over that I love Kelly and I’m not trying to rekindle a romance with an ex who is battling cancer! I just feel that I have the time and resources to help someone who meant a lot to me. Kelly thinks it’s too much and that I’m choosing Sasha over her. We keep going around in circles and I feel like time is slipping by. I haven’t even mentioned this all to Sasha because I don’t want to offer to come if Kelly isn’t going to be supportive. But I’m growing frustrated with Kelly and vice versa. I love her and I don’t want to lose her but I also really want to be there for Sasha. What do I do?

flantastic

dude your FI is entirely justified

downtondiva

Flexible job or not, you still are talking about uprooting your life indefinitely for an ex-girlfriend - no, it won't be forever, but given you're talking about renting a place near Sasha and flying home once a month, I'm guessing you're looking at potentially being there a while. I can't blame Kelly for being uncomfortable with that, given your history with Sasha.

I understand not wanting to ignore Sasha's terminal illness completely, but if you really want to be there for her, try calling or texting her to be supportive, and/or maybe arranging to visit her before she passes. But I'm not sure you should make yourself part of her day-to-day support system if it will jeopardize your relationship with your FI.

banana468

flantastic said:

dude your FI is entirely justified

This.  You're essentially telling her that she's on the back burner for a while.  That's not a great message that you're sending to someone you want as your life partner.  Think about that.

flantastic

downtondiva said:

Flexible job or not, you still are talking about uprooting your life indefinitely for an ex-girlfriend - no, it won't be forever, but given you're talking about renting a place near Sasha and flying home once a month, I'm guessing you're looking at potentially being there a while. I can't blame Kelly for being uncomfortable with that, given your history with Sasha.

I understand not wanting to ignore Sasha's terminal illness completely, but if you really want to be there for her, try calling or texting her to be supportive, and/or maybe arranging to visit her before she passes. But I'm not sure you should make yourself part of her day-to-day support system if it will jeopardize your relationship with your FI.

I can't imagine going temporarily long distance with your intended life partner to spend a lot of money to care for someone who isn't family or a current close, talk-all-the-time, friend. Even then I could understand that Kelly wouldn't love it. Hopefully she would do her best to understand, but it would still be the same as what @banana468 said - she's being temporarily put on the back burner.

The fact that he's willing to do this for an ex with whom he occasionally texts and who already has a support system in place is... a lot. Man clearly still has some deep emotional attachments.

levioosa

Uhhhh....dude is for sure not over Sasha and he is totally deflecting about it. I hope his FI leaves because he's already fighting this much over a "friend" he basically lost touch with over the years, and he's going to be a wreck and hold it over her head once Sasha passes away. 

VarunaTT

The only thing I have to add is that I thought this was FONE (f1) and I was like, why you messing with an ex over F1?!?!

charlotte989875

Maybe I’m totally off base (and naive) but I think what he’s proposing is incredibly kind. If she’s stage IV, and unlikely to go into remission it means she probably not going to survive and he wants to help. Caring for someone with cancer is brutal at the end, but I think compassion at the end of someone’s life matters. 

Kelly of course has a right to be upset, and I can’t say I wouldn’t be. But I’d also I don’t think I’d be able to tell my partner he couldn’t be there when a friend was dying. 

banana468

I don't think this guy is bad. 

But I think he's not looking at the entire picture either and his FI can also feel like she's put on the back burner and the feelings can be really confusing. 

downtondiva

banana468 said:

I don't think this guy is bad. 

But I think he's not looking at the entire picture either and his FI can also feel like she's put on the back burner and the feelings can be really confusing. 

Agreed. I also am curious as to what he has told his FI about his relationship with Sasha. If he's talked about her a lot and about how it didn't work out because of wanting vs. not wanting kids, I wouldn't be surprised if Kelly already feels a bit insecure in her relationship with LW. She may already feel like she's living in another woman's shadow and LW is only with her because he wanted kids and Sasha didn't.

Casadena

I think there are a lot of ways he could show up for Sasha toward the end of her life that are not moving in with her and assuming responsibility for her care for an undetermined amount of time. He could hire help, visit occasionally, visit for a week and take her to appointments, hire a housekeeper or home chef for her. I think he doesn't fully respect his Fiance and her point of view if he's seriously considering uprooting their lives to move away from her and take care of a sick ex indefinitely. 

ei34

I don’t think LW is a bad person per se but he’s being an awful FI, putting Kelly between a rock and a hard place. It’s unfair that he’s given her an ultimatum and is wasting their emotional energy going back and forth with her over this (she said she was uncomfortable the first time, and sounds like he’s not dropping it) and now he’s grown frustrated with her for not changing her mind. 

I’d re-think the engagement if I was Kelly, who has lived in Sasha’s shadow for years and will continue to do so for years to come (with a possible villain arc as the one who stopped LW from caring for her). 

(And agree @casadena there are ways to help that aren’t as extreme. Booking a hotel room for one week would be a more reasonable timeframe than renting an apartment indefinitely, for example.)

VarunaTT

For some reason, I thought about this letter all dang night.

This is probably my age talking, but if I were Kelly, I'd tell him to go, but that the engagement is now off and the relationship is also off, until this matter is resolved.  And I would not be waiting around for that resolution, so if he comes back in a month, we'll talk then, but if it's years down the road...there might not be anything to talk about.  It's clear that there is something calling this man away from me and it'd be hard not to see it as a red flag with the exGF baggage attached to it.  And I don't do red flags anymore.  LW needs to come back with a clear mind and emotional and figure his sh!t out.

flantastic

I also don’t think he’s a bad guy. I can very much understand seeing someone need help and thinking “I can help” and wanting to do it. But the fact remains that this says a lot about the prioritization of all the relationships involved, and it points toward Kelly maybe shouldn’t marry him.

short+sassy

Casadena said:

I think there are a lot of ways he could show up for Sasha toward the end of her life that are not moving in with her and assuming responsibility for her care for an undetermined amount of time. He could hire help, visit occasionally, visit for a week and take her to appointments, hire a housekeeper or home chef for her. I think he doesn't fully respect his Fiance and her point of view if he's seriously considering uprooting their lives to move away from her and take care of a sick ex indefinitely. 

I find it EXTREME that he wants to move to where Sasha is and take care of her to her end of life.

If I were the fiance, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker when he initially asked.  I can understand someone's first impulse to say something wild and out of left field when they are facing sudden and unexpected grief.

But once he starts continually arguing with me about it and trying to change my mind, he will no longer have a "difficult" decision to make.  Because it's not a difficult decision.  I'm gone even if he begs me to stay and "will never bring it up again".  Because he already wanted to upend our lives and continually disregarded my feelings...over a woman who is such an acquaintance now that she didn't even contact him herself about her diagnosis.