are you even still friends with these people?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I was once part of a group of friends before I had a falling out with my roommate and moved two hours away. However, we’ve kept in touch via Facebook, the occasional texts, and even the rare visit. Which brings me to the reason I’m writing: There was this one member (“Alex”) who while single when I first met him eventually found a girlfriend (“Elaine”) and invited her into the group. Everyone, myself included, accepted Elaine and came to like her. When I moved, Alex and Elaine were still together. When Alex was in a near fatal car accident, Elaine was the one to inform me directly via text and helped him until he was able to both figuratively and literally get back on his feet. Elaine and her family wished Alex happy birthday on Facebook. Photos from throughout most of 2022 still showed Alex and Elaine together. Then Halloween came and while most of the “old” group were together in photos, Elaine was missing. Then around Christmastime, I saw a post complaining about lack of success with online dating. Thinking it was from someone who had been single at least since before I’d moved, I remembered Elaine and Alex having met on such a site/app back in 2012 and was about to mention that.

Until I saw the post was from Elaine. I checked her profile; it said she was “single.” Alex rarely, if at all, uses Facebook, so his still says he’s “in a relationship since 2012.” I hate that they broke up and that’s how I found out. As mentioned earlier, I was friends with Alex long before I even knew Elaine existed. Yet other than breaking up with Alex and complaining about her subsequent (lack of) dating life on social media, she has shown nothing but kindness (and not just online) to me and the rest of my former friend group.  I really hate being in this position! I guess I should mention that I’m autistic, it’s hard for me to make friends in the first place. Also, I’ve used Facebook’s “take a break” feature on Elaine (her posts no longer show up on my newsfeed and she can’t see anything I don’t post as “public”; a less obvious “unfriend-ing”, if you will). Any advice?

MyNameIsNot

Mind your own fucking business and stop trying to make this breakup about you?

Elaine does not have an obligation to notify you or speak to you. She likely sees you as an extension of Alex's friend group that she was friendly with during the relationship. It's not that deep. 

VarunaTT

What in the world? If no one is asking you to pick sides, why are you trying to do it anyway?  Hell, just unfriend her if this is putting you into such a spiral.  I don't even see how you're really "friends" with any of them if the only interaction is seeing FB posts.  There are no social cues here to be worrying about misinterpreting or missing.

levioosa

Casadena said:

Dear Prudence,

I was once part of a group of friends before I had a falling out with my roommate and moved two hours away. However, we’ve kept in touch via Facebook, the occasional texts, and even the rare visit. Which brings me to the reason I’m writing: There was this one member (“Alex”) who while single when I first met him eventually found a girlfriend (“Elaine”) and invited her into the group. Everyone, myself included, accepted Elaine and came to like her. When I moved, Alex and Elaine were still together. When Alex was in a near fatal car accident, Elaine was the one to inform me directly via text and helped him until he was able to both figuratively and literally get back on his feet. Elaine and her family wished Alex happy birthday on Facebook. Photos from throughout most of 2022 still showed Alex and Elaine together. Then Halloween came and while most of the “old” group were together in photos, Elaine was missing. Then around Christmastime, I saw a post complaining about lack of success with online dating. Thinking it was from someone who had been single at least since before I’d moved, I remembered Elaine and Alex having met on such a site/app back in 2012 and was about to mention that.

Until I saw the post was from Elaine. I checked her profile; it said she was “single.” Alex rarely, if at all, uses Facebook, so his still says he’s “in a relationship since 2012.” I hate that they broke up and that’s how I found out. As mentioned earlier, I was friends with Alex long before I even knew Elaine existed. Yet other than breaking up with Alex and complaining about her subsequent (lack of) dating life on social media, she has shown nothing but kindness (and not just online) to me and the rest of my former friend group.  I really hate being in this position! I guess I should mention that I’m autistic, it’s hard for me to make friends in the first place. Also, I’ve used Facebook’s “take a break” feature on Elaine (her posts no longer show up on my newsfeed and she can’t see anything I don’t post as “public”; a less obvious “unfriend-ing”, if you will). Any advice?

What position?! 

This is outrageous. I don’t even think this hard about SIL B’s many ex’s who are/were my FB friends. I guess I can give a little grace to LW who says they are autistic but the way they said it also makes me side eye. 

CharmedPam

Yeah why does LW think they have to get in the middle of this? They’re making an issue out of a non issue