Weird, but not a fetish?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I spent Thanksgiving at my boyfriend’s parents’ house, where I met his family for the first time since we’ve been dating for four months. I took part in a thing his sisters and female cousins have done for the past several years, where we weighed ourselves before and after dinner to see who ate the most. We also took pictures of our tummies. To everyone’s surprise I won, and got to wear a crown one of them made of glittery fake drumsticks. I had a great time and the whole thing helped me feel really comfortable with his family. They definitely thought I was cooler than my boyfriend’s brother’s new girlfriend, who didn’t participate.

But when I told my friends about it, a couple of them said it sounded perverted, like something some people have a fetish for! I would feel very betrayed if this was true. Not knowing, I don’t know how to feel. I’m especially worried about all those photos floating around out there on various people’s phones. The most revealing ones of me have my top rolled up, still covering my bra, and my jeans undone, but no underwear or anything showing. But even that’s not particularly flattering. The supposed reason for this tradition being limited to young women is because the guys would win too easily. Should I say anything to my boyfriend or anyone else? What about next year?

VarunaTT

This is not a perversion or fetish.  I mean, I think it's a little odd it being just the women, but if LW was comfortable and had fun, that's all that matters.  I wouldn't imagine any contest of food eating has flattering after photos.  Stop letting your friends get in your head, LW and enjoy having a good relationship with your BF's family.

banana468

This just sounds weird. 

levioosa

So this gets a big fat nope from me. But I also have recovered from an eating disorder and do my best to protect my mental health. It's not a fetish but I do think it's weird and limiting to just the women makes me feel more weird than anything. Listen, H barely eats at dinners because he is ADHDing so hard and finds it hard to eat. Meanwhile I literally cook four extra portions of food when his mom is coming over because that woman doesn't just eat, she eats. And she's still thin! It's a running joke in the family about feeding her. I know it's all in good fun, but the family is lucky LW wanted to partake in the tradition. If I was going somewhere new and felt pressured to take part I would be so uncomfortable. If everyone else did it and you wanted to and there was no pressure, then next time throw it out there. "Hey! Count me in!" but a huge no to being told this is what we're doing. 

banana468

levioosa said:

So this gets a big fat nope from me. But I also have recovered from an eating disorder and do my best to protect my mental health. It's not a fetish but I do think it's weird and limiting to just the women makes me feel more weird than anything. Listen, H barely eats at dinners because he is ADHDing so hard and finds it hard to eat. Meanwhile I literally cook four extra portions of food when his mom is coming over because that woman doesn't just eat, she eats. And she's still thin! It's a running joke in the family about feeding her. I know it's all in good fun, but the family is lucky LW wanted to partake in the tradition. If I was going somewhere new and felt pressured to take part I would be so uncomfortable. If everyone else did it and you wanted to and there was no pressure, then next time throw it out there. "Hey! Count me in!" but a huge no to being told this is what we're doing. 

I think this is why it seems off to me.  

MyNameIsNot

They definitely thought I was cooler than my boyfriend’s brother’s new girlfriend, who didn’t participate.

This is the part that really bothers me here. This isn't a fetish, but it's veering into fatphobic and has a lot of ick. There are 10,000 reasons the other new GF wouldn't have wanted to participate, and the fact that LW doesn't seem to see any problems there is concerning. I suspect her friends also see the issues and are using "fetish" because they don't know how to articulate why it makes them feel gross. 

flantastic

I was so surprised when she described it to read in the next sentence that she had fun.. It would be a big no thank you from me. Clearly they made her feel very welcome.

Casadena

All I keep thinking is that they must all be really thin and wondering if brother's new girlfriend is not. Not that it' matters - it's gross regardless and there is no way in hell I would ever participate in something like this. I can see it feeling like not that big a deal and something quirky and funny if they're all thin and haven't ever dealt with the internal/external shame that often comes with being in a not thin body. I could be way off base, they could all just be very comfortable with themselves and their family, but that doesnt' seem likely, imo. 

Answering her question - it certainly doesn't seem like a fetish. It's weird AF though. 

ei34

The brother’s new gf being judged for not participating is what bothers me.  Like her, I would also pass.  The tradition is weird, but I won’t judge you for it. But..they shouldn’t judge someone who’s like yeah, no 

levioosa

flantastic said:

I was so surprised when she described it to read in the next sentence that she had fun.. It would be a big no thank you from me. Clearly they made her feel very welcome.

Yesss I was about to be all irate for her and be like DTMF when she started the letter. I thought she was about to say she was pressured and they told her it wasn't a big deal. But then she joined in! 

short+sassy

I also don't think it's a fetish, but it's a disgusting tradition.  

Oh hey, everyone!  Let's focus super hard on how much women weigh and what their stomachs look like.  But not the men.  And not the older women.  Only the young women.

Society does that enough to women, especially young women, every day.  Really?  They can't have ONE day off from that?  It sounds like it's the women themselves who are the most gung-ho for it, which just makes it even sadder.  Except for the ex-g/f, who was polite enough not to say what I just did.

levioosa

short+sassy said:

I also don't think it's a fetish, but it's a disgusting tradition.  

Oh hey, everyone!  Let's focus super hard on how much women weigh and what their stomachs look like.  But not the men.  And not the older women.  Only the young women.

Society does that enough to women, especially young women, every day.  Really?  They can't have ONE day off from that?  It sounds like it's the women themselves who are the most gung-ho for it, which just makes it even sadder.  Except for the ex-g/f, who was polite enough not to say what I just did.

Yeah the internalized misogyny is strong in this letter. 

charlotte989875

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

I also don't think it's a fetish, but it's a disgusting tradition.  

Oh hey, everyone!  Let's focus super hard on how much women weigh and what their stomachs look like.  But not the men.  And not the older women.  Only the young women.

Society does that enough to women, especially young women, every day.  Really?  They can't have ONE day off from that?  It sounds like it's the women themselves who are the most gung-ho for it, which just makes it even sadder.  Except for the ex-g/f, who was polite enough not to say what I just did.

Yeah the internalized misogyny is strong in this letter. 

Yup. 

And writing to Prudie to confirm it’s fine to be tge cool girl is part of it. 

This isn’t a fetish but it is reinforcing of some terrible mindsets and behaviors