Show him how you'd like it handled

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have a deal when it comes to some chores—I absolutely loathe doing laundry, so he agreed to be in charge of it since there are other things I have complete ownership of like grocery shopping, scheduling and prepping for the cleaner, and refilling our dog’s prescriptions.

I don’t think he’s consciously choosing the path of “weaponized incompetence,” but I’m getting pretty frustrated by how he’s handling laundry, in particular my undies drawer. In my top drawer I have subdividers for socks, bras, regular underwear, and period underwear, all labeled. Lately, he’s not only skipped the sorting, but has been dumping every small textile in the house in there! I’ve found cloth napkins, dog bandanas, scarves, tank tops, robe ties. and even a steam mop pad in my underwear drawer…

Maybe it’s that I can’t get past the (incorrect) idea that he’s doing something nice “for me” by doing my laundry in the first place, maybe it’s that I’m so annoyed that it’s going to come out very snippy—but I can’t figure out how to address this. We’re not really a hyper organized household, but when I go grocery shopping I don’t shove pasta, glass cleaner, Tylenol, cat food, and paper towels in the spice cabinet and call it a day!

As kind and reasonable as he usually is, my husband’s knee jerk reaction to criticism is not great. I feel like I need to plan a discussion and not just make an offhand comment, or he’s going to boycott doing laundry for a while. I know this makes him sound ridiculous, but please trust that he’s an otherwise good partner! What should I say?

banana468

Tell him that you noticed he's not putting things in the correct space and ask what's up.  

It's laundry.  If he cant' tell the difference between a steam mop pad and underwear then you can tell him you're making an appointment for him at the neurologist if he can't work to fix this. 

VarunaTT

The point of weaponized incompetence is that it's not really a conscious choice, it's accepted behavior for men.  I don't think you have to go in with anger, but just "Hey, I've noticed this is happening, can you please make sure things go in the right spot?"

levioosa

Uhh, this is like the definition of weaponized incompetence. Obviously you should say something first, but it sounds like he won't receive it well and will be petty about it, which, once again....definition of weaponized incompetence. "I just cant do anyyyyything right! Why do I even try? You should just take care of it." Start helping him with a task (and I'm assuming this relationship has some gender stereotypes) and start dumping random shit in his organized garage drawers or in his gaming area. I bet he figures out real quick he knows how to actually sort and make appropriate decisions about where things go. 

MyNameIsNot

Has he always been this incompetent or is it new? I think that would change my approach. 

But yeah, ask him WTF he's doing. Surely he's not actually stupid enough to think you walk about with a steam mop pad in your jeans. 

charlotte989875

I thought this was going to be he put the period panties in the regular panties drawer and I would have said to deal. But a steam mop with the underwear? Nope. 

Whether it’s intentional or not ask what’s up? If he’s defensive say takes it poorly I like the call to the neurologist. Because c’mon. 

ILoveBeachMusic

I do the laundry in our house, but we each put away our own so my first reaction was to suggest this. However, if this is new behavior I agree that a conversation needs to take place to see what's going on. If he is unaware or as charlotte says defensive doctor is  appropriate.