Get over your shame, it's not helping your kids

Casadena

Dear Care and Feeding,

I took my child to the dentist at exactly 6 months old and diligently every six months after that. At his November 2019 appointment, they noticed some plaque. His Spring 2020 appointment was canceled, and when we went back in August 2020 he had ten cavities. He had to be put under anesthesia for the fillings. It was traumatic, not least because the dentist chided me for “letting it get so bad,” as if I willingly skipped the appointment in Spring 2020. I am not proud of this, but we haven’t been back to the dentist since—I was so ashamed and just couldn’t make myself go back. I meant to find another dentist, but one thing led to another and, well, here we are. How do I go to a dentist now and explain why my kids haven’t seen one in 4 years? My oldest is in third grade and will likely need to start orthodontia soon, so we really need to get it together. But I am so afraid to be shamed again for the long delay—plus, who knows what they will find? Please tell me how you would approach this.

banana468

Find a new dentist and go now.  A pediatric dentist that is recommended in the local area (social media can be your friend to your advantage here) can help because PLENTY of kids can have rough dental habits but by 3rd grade there are grown up teeth possibly suffering.

Dental health is incredibly important and tied to additional issues in adulthood.  By not taking your kid to the dentist you're instilling poor habits for medical care in your children that will be far more detrimental for them now and in adulthood than your feelings.  You're a parent.  Be a parent. 

levioosa

Not to mom shame, but I would have FOR SURE taken my kid for a second opinion before general friggen anesthesia for ten sudden cavities over six months. But what's done is done. Definitely the additional response was not to skip the dentist completely for four years.

Then, I would have looked long and hard for other causes. Is kid getting candy from friends at school? Is he sneaking stuff at night when everyone goes to bed and then skipping brushing his teeth? Is there some sort of physical cause (several health conditions can cause demineralization of teeth). Are you a crunchy mom who refuses to buy toothpaste with fluoride? I hope kid was at least going to the pediatrician during this time, and the sudden cavities should have been mentioned to them as well. More likely kid is sneaking sugary snacks when no one is seeing it, but dental health is serious and can cause lifelong issues. 

MyNameIsNot

Your old dentist sucked. I'm having a hard time believing that missing one 6 month cleaning is the cause of so many cavities. I moved in spring 2020 and finding a new dentist fell through the cracks with the timing. When I finally went to a new one after about 18 months, he told me that so many of their patients were just now [then] getting back to normal routine after all the schedule disruptions. You are not a bad mom for missing one cleaning during a global freaking pandemic. 

But now it's been too long and you need a new, better, dentist. A good dentist is going to be focused on the fact that you're here now and need a plan to get back on track, not on missed cleanings that you can't fix. You just have to rip the bandaid off and go. 

short+sassy

Dang it!  Where is this dentist that uses anesthesia?  I would have taken better care of my teeth if I didn't have to white knuckle gum scalings.  Then told I needed gum surgery.  Rip the skin off the roof of my mouth and graft it to my gums.  My periodontist looked at me like I was crazy when I asked about anesthesia.  I looked at her like she was crazy when she told me there isn't any. 

charlotte989875

That dentist was awful AND you need to get your kids to a dentist. A lot of things got dropped in spring 2020 so be sucks for making you feel bad about that. 

But you need to find a new one, not just because of the shaming but because like @levioosa said 10 cavities in year is way outside the norm so you should see what’s going on. Most won’t ask too much about why you haven’t been in a while and will work with you to come up with a treatment plan (without general anesthesia). 

charlotte989875

Double post.