Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I (we’re both men) have a 4-year-old daughter we fostered from birth and later adopted. I naively assumed that we’d never need to have a “talk” with her about being adopted because, for very obvious reasons, we can’t be her biological parents. I thought the moment she realized that all the other kids had a mom and a dad, she would ask us why she didn’t have a mom or why she had two dads, and that would lead to the topic being addressed early on and very matter-of-factly. But that’s not at all what happened. Our daughter’s speech development has been delayed, and when she started saying a few words, she simply called my mom (the most significant female presence in her life) “maman” (my mother tongue is French). She knows that my mom is actually “grand-maman,” she just refuses to call her anything other than “maman.” As far as I can tell, my daughter is oblivious to the fact that other kids only have one dad, and she never wonders why she doesn’t have a mom because from her standpoint, she has one!
Initially I tried to curb the habit and to explain that her grandmother was my mother, but that would only lead to tears, anger, or flat-out denial. My mom convinced me to drop it, telling me that it didn’t really matter what my daughter called her, and that one day she would be old enough to understand.
Our daughter was eventually diagnosed with Child Apraxia of the Speech. We’re working with a speech therapist and we’re lucky that her daycare has special education services, but polysyllabic words are still extremely challenging for her and she can’t pronounce the “r” sound yet. I think that part of her sticking to “maman” (in addition to force of habit) is that it’s easier for her to say. CAS also means that it’s very hard for our daughter to communicate when she’s emotional. In stressful, frustrating, or sad situations, her ability to pronounce polysyllabic words and to chain words into full sentences vanishes.
So how do we address the topic of her origin and adoption with her? And when? I know that we need to do it sooner rather than later, but the idea of explaining something that will be deeply upsetting to her—when she’ll find herself unable to express how she feels or to formulate questions, and will just be stuck with all of that inside of her, unable to effectively talk about it—just breaks my heart. And what do I tell her about her biological family? I want her to know the truth when she’s old enough to understand, but that truth is a complicated and sad and upsetting story, of which we only know a fraction.
Ever since we got a spot with a speech therapist, I’ve been hoping for a breakthrough that would get us to a point where she’s better able to describe her emotions, but it’s very slow progress and I don’t think we can wait much longer without veering into active deception territory. For what it’s worth, her language comprehension skills have always been significantly ahead for her age, so I’m not worried that she won’t understand what we tell her—I just worry that she won’t be able to ask any questions or express her emotions, and will just shut down.
—My Mom Is Your Grandma