Suggest therapy again, limit your engagement on the topic

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I need help handling my boyfriend’s attitude about work. In every other area, our relationship is going great, and I think if I find the right words to say this, he will hear me, and we’ll be able to figure this out. I’m a 27-year-old woman and have been with Charlie, who is 29, just shy of a year. He hates his job. He has to deal with not great corporate bureaucracy and has a bad boss who looks to him to manage the team because Charlie has more experience. He is actively applying to new jobs, but has not had many solid leads, I think because of the holidays. Despite the steps he’s taking to leave, Charlie’s attitude about his job is really difficult to interact with.

He acts like it’s the worst job in the world, like he’s the unluckiest guy in the world, and like work is more difficult for him than anyone else. I can get where he’s coming from, working can suck! But his current job offers him such great tangible and intangible benefits. He gets paid well, has remote flexibility, and works only about 30 hours/week. This flexibility allows him time to pursue time-consuming hobbies and take a nap every day. Meanwhile, I work a job in a traditional field that is notorious for overworking its employees. My employer is pretty good, but I work about 45 hours/week exclusively from the office. I am really tired of his complaining. Every meeting on his calendar is a slight against him and everything his boss does is for the sole purpose of making his life miserable. I suggested talk therapy to help him cope during his job search, and he wasn’t offended by the idea but didn’t seem too interested. I guess I am struggling because 1) it’s a lot of complaining to me every day, 2) his job is pretty good to him, and I don’t think he knows how good he has it in some regards, and 3) I worry this is just his attitude about work generally and he will be similarly miserable in any job. He has picked up on my thoughts about his job’s perks and has felt invalidated because of that. I don’t want him to feel that way, but I need help.

banana468

I don't know if I could be in a relationship with someone who worked from home 30 hours / week, got to nap every day, had hobbies and still acted like his job was the worst.

If his job isn't 30 hours of calls that are harassing people for no reason or doing awful things, I'd start to think that this guy just has a martyr complex.   This would be deal breaker territory for me if he was not introspective enough to see that his situation isn't that bad at all. 

VarunaTT

Okay, I don't feel really good, and this OP has already tried the nice way, so again, a hearty STFU or I'll leave the discussion, sounds like a good solution to me.

But being a reasonable person, yeah, when you hate your job, it does make a lot of things hard, even when it has good benefits.  I think reminding him that you've asked him to go to therapy, b/c this isn't something you can help with, repeated ad infinitum, and bean dipping, is the only thing to do.

Also, if OP is really worried that this is his normal day-to-day attitude and they don't want to tolerate it, the hearty STFU and breaking up to find more than 4 dudes in the world is also on the table.

MyNameIsNot

He's a whiner. He's not going to stop being a whiner when he gets a different job that probably demands more time and effort. 

I'd probably move along. I don't have time for this shit. 

charlotte989875

Eeek. I could have written this about H. Not the naps (he hates naps and would never nap), but the working ~30 hours a week, a hybrid schedule, his boss kinda sucks, and he complains all the time. 

I kind of think he just hates work, or at least working for other people. I’ll say the reason I don’t tell him to STFU is that- I do think it really bothers him. Not the flexibility and freedom, but that his boss doesn’t listen to him but then gets mad when whatever they decide doesn’t work. He presented something to his two-above a year ago- he declined- then came back to him this year and asked if they’d ever considered exactly what H suggested. H actually sent him the email where he declined to do it. That would annoy me too, so I gently say that “that sucks” and insist he picks up more slack around the house because I consistent work 50 hours a week or more. 

knottie25e58da743a2a290

Qwhat if you tried framing it differently? Instead of talking about his job’s perks outright (since he feels invalidated by that), maybe nudge him to think about what he actually wants in a job. Like, what’s missing that’d make him excited? Sometimes just shifting the focus can snap someone out of that doom spiral. You don’t wanna come off as dismissive, but maybe help him see there’s light at the end of this miserable tunnel

Also has he taken a hard look at what’s within his control to make his current job suck less? Maybe there’s room to push back on his boss or change his workflow