Wedding Woes

This intense over 10%? How often are you contacting him?

Dear Prudence,

I think I might be the problem, and I want to hear it straight. My husband works from home, and I sometimes commute an hour-plus away. We have two kids in school. I would say 10 percent of the time when I call him, he’s unreachable for up to an hour (doesn’t respond to calls or texts). The explanations vary—he forgot his ringer was off, he was on a work call, or he fell asleep away from his phone. He’s apologetic but it doesn’t stop

But it makes me INCREDIBLY anxious not to hear from him. Even though he does this frequently, I always end up worried he’s keeled over from a heart attack or injured himself with his power tools. And I always think about what I’d have to do if one of the kids was sick and needed to be picked up immediately and he was incommunicado. Or that he’ll sleep through meeting the kids at the bus stop. When he finally does get in touch, I am inevitably furious.

I’ve told him all this, that his behavior is unacceptable and ratchets my anxiety sky high. He promises he’ll do better, but he never does. I’ve gotten so, so angry at him over this and it makes no difference. Are my expectations unreasonable? I know I’m probably angrier than I should be because my anxiety is higher than it should be. What do I do? I can’t change him, but that’s what I want the solution to be. If I could snap my fingers and not care, that still doesn’t fix the potential problems of kids stranded at the bus stop or a sick kid waiting around at school.

Re: This intense over 10%? How often are you contacting him?

  • Um....why are you contacting him? And why is 1 hour the issue?? 

    I would be really frustrated that my H felt he was due an answer promptly.  We message back and forth but if this was a pattern of behavior for me I guarantee it would be a put off and he'd pull away.  
  • Just b/c he's working from home, doesn't mean he's immediately accessible to you, b/c HE'S WORKING.  All of this for 10% of the time, for an hour?  Ma'am...no.  Get a grip, therapy, and medication for you anxiety and stop making it your spouse's problem.
  • The solution isn't to change him, it's to change you. He's not responsible for your anxiety being higher than normal, or that you are fucking obnoxious. 

    Get some therapy and fix yourself before he's had enough. 
  • Yes, LW.  You are the problem and you are being totally unreasonable.  The LW's behavior would have been a dealbreaker for me long before the relationship progressed to marriage and kids.

    Not as high stakes, but I almost immediately regretted signing a lease with one of my first "almost" tenants because they expected me to respond back to their texts within 10-15 minutes or they would call me.  They hadn't moved in yet!  None of this was emergencies.  It was often questions I'd already answered multiple times and they could have just scrolled up in the text thread, smh.  I quickly set up some boundaries.  That I had a JOB and, if it wasn't an emergency, I couldn't necessarily get back to them even within a few hours.  But that I would always get back to them the same day.

    They told me on their move-in date they had changed their mind and wanted their non-refundable holding deposit...which turns into the security deposit at move-in...back.  I didn't have first months because I don't usually collect that ahead of time.  Ha!  As if!  Fortunately, I had way better and less harassing tenants move in about two weeks later.  Phew!  I did call the annoying "almost tenants" back and offered them half their holding deposit back.  They were still pissed and threatening to take me to small claims court.  GTFO, smh.  I had a document ready for us both to sign that in more formal language basically said my giving them $X settled the holding deposit dispute and neither of us would take legal action.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • LW, you’re not worried he’s dead. You’re worried he’s cheating on you. 

  • So I do think she is actually worried that he’s dead and the kids are alone. Reasonable? No believable? Absolutely. 

    If he had actually slept through pick up, or had a medical emergency you missed that’s one thing. But that none of that has happened, LW needs some therapy because anxiety is impacting her relationships and quality of life. 
  • Yeah - I don't know if this is a cheating fear although it could be.  But it's clearly someone who is not comfortable with a lack of control and absolutely needs to let go that the expectation of a quick response is entirely unrealistic. 
  • even me, who’s been cheated on a lot (% wise) would give someone more than 1 hour before even thinking it - but I’d think it. 

  • I don't think it's about cheating either. I think it's her anxiety catastrophizing, but instead of managing her anxiety with therapy or other tools, she's putting it on him and insisting that her anxiety means he needs to change his behavior. 

    It's the same thing as people who try to use "boundaries" to control other people's behavior. It doesn't work that way. 
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