Dear Prudence,
I think I might be the problem, and I want to hear it straight. My husband works from home, and I sometimes commute an hour-plus away. We have two kids in school. I would say 10 percent of the time when I call him, he’s unreachable for up to an hour (doesn’t respond to calls or texts). The explanations vary—he forgot his ringer was off, he was on a work call, or he fell asleep away from his phone. He’s apologetic but it doesn’t stop
But it makes me INCREDIBLY anxious not to hear from him. Even though he does this frequently, I always end up worried he’s keeled over from a heart attack or injured himself with his power tools. And I always think about what I’d have to do if one of the kids was sick and needed to be picked up immediately and he was incommunicado. Or that he’ll sleep through meeting the kids at the bus stop. When he finally does get in touch, I am inevitably furious.
I’ve told him all this, that his behavior is unacceptable and ratchets my anxiety sky high. He promises he’ll do better, but he never does. I’ve gotten so, so angry at him over this and it makes no difference. Are my expectations unreasonable? I know I’m probably angrier than I should be because my anxiety is higher than it should be. What do I do? I can’t change him, but that’s what I want the solution to be. If I could snap my fingers and not care, that still doesn’t fix the potential problems of kids stranded at the bus stop or a sick kid waiting around at school.