Wedding Woes

No obligation to help

Dear Prudence,

I live on the top floor of a five story walk up with no elevator. I have a small dog that I need to take out twice a day. I work from home so I get exercise from this. I usually will take the trash out for my elderly neighbors since I am going that direction anyway. All I ask is that they double bag and don’t make each bag too heavy.

Well, my neighbor directly below me had her pregnant granddaughter move in. It hasn’t been great. She has left me more than one nasty note about me “stomping” about. My living room is over her bedroom it seems. I already have carpets down and there isn’t anything more I can do. Anyway, the baby was born and the trash has piled up. I got an even nastier note about the trash when I was sick for several days and couldn’t move around. I felt bad for my neighbor and when I next went out I took a large load. None were double bagged and ended up ripping, so trash and dirty diapers ended up across two floors. I went to the apartment to ask the granddaughter to help me clean up. She told me she couldn’t leave the baby and I was a bitch to ask her. I could see my neighbor beyond the door and she didn’t say a word. I had to get my other neighbors and the maintenance guy to help me clean up the mess.

Since then, I don’t take out that neighbor’s trash. At all. The granddaughter has since moved out, and my neighbor has left me several “nice” notes and even a plate of cookies (I returned them). I can’t return to playing nice neighbor after being treated as trash and her not saying a word. Several of my other neighbors have brought it up and said that she is just an old woman, and I will be one someday so I should have more sympathy. I am this close to stopping taking any trash down but my own. I have always tried to cultivated a live and let live philosophy, but cleaning up someone’s shit is so far over the line it is in another country. Thoughts?

—Taking Out the Trash

Re: No obligation to help

  • You’re under zero obligation to help and id stop taking out others trash all together. 

    That said - sending back cookies and cold shouldering her after it seems like she tried to apologize seems a bit much.  Don’t do things for her anymore and you don’t have to be friends, but refusing to even be cordial? IDK. Sounds like the granddaughter was terrible, the grandmother knows she handled it poorly, and it was a bad situation all along. Granddaughter is gone, why keep dragging this out?
  • You’re under zero obligation to help and id stop taking out others trash all together. 

    That said - sending back cookies and cold shouldering her after it seems like she tried to apologize seems a bit much.  Don’t do things for her anymore and you don’t have to be friends, but refusing to even be cordial? IDK. Sounds like the granddaughter was terrible, the grandmother knows she handled it poorly, and it was a bad situation all along. Granddaughter is gone, why keep dragging this out?
    Yeah there's a way to say that you were really hurt without being spiteful. 
  • You’re under zero obligation to help and id stop taking out others trash all together. 

    That said - sending back cookies and cold shouldering her after it seems like she tried to apologize seems a bit much.  Don’t do things for her anymore and you don’t have to be friends, but refusing to even be cordial? IDK. Sounds like the granddaughter was terrible, the grandmother knows she handled it poorly, and it was a bad situation all along. Granddaughter is gone, why keep dragging this out?
    Agreed. You can accept an apology without going back to the way things were and pretending a conflict never happened. Accepting the apology wouldn't have obligated LW to go back to taking out people's trash, which they definitely shouldn't be doing anymore.
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