Wedding Woes

Seem to be working for you, bean dip others

Dear Prudence,

I am lucky to rent a house on a very quiet cul-de-sac. My 12-year-old daughter is the oldest child on the block and has started seriously babysitting for our neighbors after she finished her Red Cross training. Several times, she has babysat up to midnight or later on a Friday or Saturday. The parents always keep me up-to-date on their timing. My daughter is never more than five houses away from home and is very comfortable skipping across the street and letting herself in the house. Everyone has cameras. I stayed up the first several times that she babysat late, but it has never been someone we didn’t know. Now, I am usually asleep when she gets home.

My favorite summers were when my grandmother threw us out of the house and told us to go explore. Granted, it was the country and not suburbs, but I’d rather cultivate courage and independence in my daughter than anything else. The problem is, when I mention this to other mothers and my peers, people look at me like I am dropping my daughter off on Skid Row. Apparently, I am being “neglectful” and “horrible” for being comfortable falling asleep when my daughter isn’t in the house. I pointed out that my brothers and I often went camping further away from the house at a much younger age and that my grandparents and parents did not worry. And that was before widespread cell phones and security cameras.

They say it isn’t the same and that my daughter is “too young” or not being paid the “correct” rate. These jobs are consistent and she enjoys the money, while our neighbors enjoy not breaking the bank for date night. She was very proud when she bought her own gaming system this Christmas and Santa brought her the games she wanted. She is saving up for an electric scooter now. What do I say to these people? Several friends have complained that their daughters want to babysit now and they will not let them.

Re: Seem to be working for you, bean dip others

  • I think expecting a 12 year old to babysit until midnight or later is wrong, tbh. Mature or not, she's still 12. I also don't know that I could sleep if my kid was still out and about at that age. So, LW isn't necessarily wrong for letting her kid explore some independence, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't still be some limits. 


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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 30
    I think as long as everyone involved is okay with the situation, I see no problem.  I'd just stop talking to those friends about it.  If she had to be driven home or something, I think I'd be more askance, but it sounds like she has a lot of close contact points for adults if things were to go south.

    ETA:  I can't remember when I started babysitting, but I know the parents had to at least drive me home because I was too young to drive.  I think my parents dropped me off, but I honestly can't remember.

  • I probably didn’t start babysitting like this until I was 14? And I also was a super mature kid. Midnight (or later!) is kind of late and I’d question whether that’s good for her to regularly be up that late responsible for other children. Not saying she should babysit- that’s great- but why can’t she limit her hours until 11pm? 

    I’d say for me it’s also not that the people are neighbors/friends that it’s okay for you to head to bed for the night, but what if she needs help with the kids or the house and you’re asleep and don’t hear a call/text? The best babysitting jobs were ones kids slept the whole time and nothing happened, but sometimes kids get sick, or something weird happens at the house and at 12 how prepared is your daughter to handle those things you don’t plan for all on her own? 
  • Personally, i think 12 is way too young to babysit at all (and might actually be illegal in some states? - IL is very strict about age limits for home alone and responsible for others). Also, i feel a little icky about not being paid the "correct" rate. She's responsible for their kids no matter her age and doing the same job someone older might do. She should be paid accordingly. 

    BUT if you're both comfortable, you trust the families, and you're available for emergencies I think you do what you both need to do and just stop talking about it with others. 
  • Why do any of these other mothers or your peers need to know that you go to bed versus stay up waiting for her? If it isn't their kid she's babysitting, it's really not their business.

    I wonder if the parents are assuming you're the emergency backup if you're 5 doors down, though. I babysat in the neighborhood a lot at that age; if my parents weren't home the kids' parents would usually leave me a backup emergency contact. But then that was before cellphones, so maybe its all moot.
  • I have mixed feelings on this and think it's really situation-specific.

    I also generally don't take well to the older generation telling me how to parent. 
  • I remember once when I was fourteen our neighbors went out for "date night." Left at 4. They were supposed to be home at 9. Then texted and said 11, then 12, and then they stopped updating at all. I was there until 4 in the morning in charge of 3 kids and I was old enough to handle things, but also old enough to know that was a bunch of bullshit. Also they way underpaid me. On top of it, in the middle of the night someone tried to open the backyard patio door, then the window, and then the front door (not the parents, for sure an unfriendly stranger) and I was beyond freaked out and couldn't go back to sleep. I was alone with three kids under 10. Responsible and mature for my age night owl or not, they shouldn't have expected a literal child to overnight babysit. I think I might have called my parents and my dad came and checked and didn't see anything so he went back home. But I was just up, freaked out and tired, until they stumbled in at an ungodly hour. My parents didn't push the issue when I got home and told them I refused to babysit for them any more. 


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  • @levioosa if that was a pattern of behavior for the LW I'd take your side.  I'm thinking of something like Chiquita who may sit for the neighbor kids and if the answer was that she's up until 1 we can work it out OK depending on the weekend.  


  • banana468 said:
    I have mixed feelings on this and think it's really situation-specific.

    I also generally don't take well to the older generation telling me how to parent. 
    She is been criticized by other mothers and her peers, not the older generation. That being said, I think it is fine for her daughter to be doing this if the mother and the neighbors are ok with it. A million years ago when I babysat, I routinely was up until after midnight on the weekends only. I also started at a lower rate and it increased as I got older (I won't even say how much I charged at first). If the mother has her phone near her when she goes to bed she will most likely hear a call. However, I might not be able to sleep until daughter returned if I was the only parent in the house. When our kids were out at night, H was the one that stayed up because I wasn't a night owl.
  • banana468 said:
    I have mixed feelings on this and think it's really situation-specific.

    I also generally don't take well to the older generation telling me how to parent. 
    She is been criticized by other mothers and her peers, not the older generation. That being said, I think it is fine for her daughter to be doing this if the mother and the neighbors are ok with it. A million years ago when I babysat, I routinely was up until after midnight on the weekends only. I also started at a lower rate and it increased as I got older (I won't even say how much I charged at first). If the mother has her phone near her when she goes to bed she will most likely hear a call. However, I might not be able to sleep until daughter returned if I was the only parent in the house. When our kids were out at night, H was the one that stayed up because I wasn't a night owl.
    You're right I totally misread!

    My point stands on the telling others how to parent but I definitely missed that it's her generation. 



  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 31
    Maybe it's the difference in eras, but I did lots of babysitting when I was 12 and so did my friends.  By the time I was 15, I felt too old for it because I had a better paying p/t job.

    The parents I was babysitting for would usually pick me up and take me back home.

    I don't specifically remember times, but taking me back home at midnight was probably the latest it ever was.

    My mom could never get to sleep until my sister or I were back home.  This included after we were adults, lol.  But I'm not judging the OP on that.
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