Come from a place of concern

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I didn’t really understand that my boyfriend might have an eating disorder until we went on a long vacation this December. I also have obsessive hobbies, a limited desire for sweets, and am pretty active so I thought we were similar.

I knew he had a strict gym routine and was a careful eater, but I didn’t fully put the pieces together until I saw him doing this stuff every single day. He’s not technically underweight (I know because he weighs himself daily and tracks it)—he’s muscular with very low body fat. But he maintains that body with two hours of gym daily, nonnegotiable. We both had food poisoning on the day we left? He was still at the hotel gym. We went for a 12-mile hike? Gym afterward. He subsists only on lean protein, water, brown rice, and green vegetables, not just for daily life but for vacation too. He requested these things even when we went to cool restaurants. When he had a Christmas cookie, he thought he was sneaky in puking it up later.

Now that I’ve noticed this, I’ve realized that most of his friends talk about their bodies in the same way. None of them seem to be bulking so much as they’re mostly cutting. Where does the line fall between disordered and careful? How do I bring this up with him? And if I do, are there even resources for men in their 30s? Everything I’ve seen seems aimed at teenage girls or at women.

VarunaTT

Oh OP, how terrible.  I agree, come from a place of concern and some resources.  Look for therapist for eating disorders and share the information.

I went through something similar with a friend.  She had gone to law school and was back for a visit.  When she came running to me for a hug, I was in shock at how skinny she was, my arms could wrap around her twice.  She was home for another visit and I finally addressed my concerns.  I asked if she was okay, if law school was being too stressful, and told her I was worried about her.  When we were out that night, she disappeared into the bathroom for a long time.  When she came back, she looked me in the eye and told me she had made herself throw up and there wasn't a damn thing I could to do to make her stop.  I told her I loved her and that I wouldn't stop loving her, but I wouldn't be silent while she engaged in behavior that would kill her. 

It took about a year, but with pressure from me (and I suspect some others), she finally went into therapy and got the help she needed.  I still remember the day she called me in absolute tears and asked for help.  We jumped on the computer together and found a few therapists, doctors, and support groups where she was.  We stayed in touch almost daily for awhile as she struggled through the beginning. 

I know she still struggles.  She's at a healthy weight now.  I met her husband who is a doctor, and he talked to me about it and he helps her make food and keep an eye out for triggers.  I was so happy she found someone to share her burden with.

short+sassy

I wasn't too concerned about the LW's b/f until it got to the part where he threw up because he had a cookie.  Yikes.

"Having" to work out for 2 hours/day no matter what sounds problematic also.  But I'm careful not to judge other people on something like that, especially since I don't know what's a healthy/unhealthy amount of exercise or what they have discussed with their doctors.

The one point I didn't like is the LW acting like he should have let loose on his diet while on vacation.  Throwing up after eating is concerning, but staying on your normal diet even on vacation is FINE.  It's ridiculous to say otherwise.  She needs to STFU about that part and not mention it.  The hell that would come down on my husband if he ever had the audacity to tell me what to eat, vacation time or otherwise, as long as I'm eating enough calories and it's not crazy unhealthy habits.

But she should gently bring up her concerns about how he views food and exercise.  However, more to encourage him to speak to a doctor or therapist because this is way above her pay grade.  I've heard eating disorders are difficult to treat.

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I'm pretty active on GLP-1 medication forums and am usually an open book about my experiences, except I rarely talk about how many calories I eat because some people would judge and possibly even accuse me of having an eating disorder.  I don't need their commentary when they don't know what they are talking about for my situation.  I have endlessly experimented with what works with me along with okaying it with my doctor.

I'm only 5'0" and have an extremely slow metabolism compared to TDEE calculators.  I asked my endocrinologist last April what's the minimum number of calories I need to eat to stay healthy and hopefully not make my metabolism even slower.  Without hesitation, he told me 800 nutritious calories.  Phew!  Because by that point, 1200 calories/day was more a maintenance number and I still had a LOT of weight to lose.

I joked to him, "So does that mean my nightly Twinkie doesn't count toward that 800?"  He laughed and said that is exactly what it means.

I definitely have days that are exceptions.  But my normal eating is 800-1000 calories/day.  Mostly lean protein and very low carb.  It's a strict diet and unfortunately it's forever.  Maybe I can add 100-200 more calories /day when I've hit my goal weight, but then I'll weigh 20 lbs less and the less you weigh the lower your maintenance calories are.  So maybe not.  This is what has been working for me for a long time and I'm not changing it, unless I start to look too thin which I highly doubt could happen.

On the plus side, I'm more a "meat" person anyway and the food I make for my diet is delicious.  There are endless recipes that use low-fat ground beef, chicken breast, eggs, or fish.

There are only 800 calories in an entire 1 lb of 90/10 ground beef.  It's also shocking how large a 300-calorie portion of salmon (no skin) is.  The first time I weighed it out, my eyes bugged out and I was thinking, "Uhhhh, I will be completely stuffed eating only half of that!"  It was about two fillets and almost covered a dinner plate.