Dear Prudence,
I was married for 12 years, and we have a daughter. There’s a 10-year age difference, and I was surprised when she—my roommate at the time—first came on to me. I was equally surprised when she ended the marriage with “You’ve been a good husband and a good father, but you got old, your hair fell out, and I’ve met someone else.” That was 20 years ago.
Now I am an incel. Not the nasty, embittered woman-hating type, but an ordinary guy who likes women but can’t find a romantic partner. I have women friends who are partnered, gay, intentionally single, or looking for a man but are not interested in me due to an age gap. I’m in a few sporting and leisure groups but the same thing there. I live in a small town, and though one woman aware of my situation told me there are single available women around here, I don’t meet them. I asked one married woman friend if she knew any, and she laughed, saying, “Yes, but I wouldn’t inflict them on you.” I wondered if she really meant it the other way around.
I’m on a couple of dating websites and have had two relationships through them, one lasting two years and the other 18 months. Both ended with me being unexpectedly dumped by text, with no reason given. One ordered me not to contact her again, and when I asked the other one, she texted me, saying I am a bully and a control freak. I’ve never before experienced any accusation like that—not even during that relationship, and never from the ex-wife, friends, family, workmates, or anyone else. I know I lack the emotional intelligence to read signs, given that most of the time it’s the man who suggests going to bed, and before my marriage, I always got one of two responses. Either “Whatever made you think I’d be interested in you?” or the more welcome but equally surprising “What took you so long?” In those days, I was often put in the “friend zone.”
The other dozens of approaches I’ve made on dating sites have been rejected. About half the women ignore the email; the rest give a reason. “You seem like a nice, interesting guy, but I don’t want to take things further.” If they don’t want a nice, interesting guy, what do they want? I’m keen to learn but know better than to ask. A work colleague in the same situation as mine said women see us as effeminate and not “real men.” I suspect being bald doesn’t help. My adult daughter—while sympathetic—says I’m just another example of “Nice guys finish last.” I get the gist of that, but like all of us, I know plenty of nice guys with lovely women partners. Where do I go from here?