Wedding Woes

I don't think you need to do anything?

Dear Prudence,

I am the president of a local community organization founded originally by immigrants of a certain ethnic group (think: the Something-American Society). I have been involved with the organization for many years, and it is a central component of my social life. We host a number of events annually that draw people from all backgrounds and bring a lot of joy to the community. While there is not an explicit rule that members of the board of directors have this ethnic background, currently everyone (myself included) is at least partially of that descent. Or so I thought.

My elderly father, curious to learn more about our ancestry, recently purchased a popular DNA testing kit. I didn’t think that anything would come as a surprise since, for my entire life, my family has passed down recipes and heirlooms from the aforementioned ethnic group, so I was shocked to receive a phone call from him that we are actually from a different background entirely. Complicating matters, these two groups have a long-standing history of animosity toward each other, with members of their U.S. diaspora having wildly different experiences in regard to treatment and discrimination. Not only has my identity been shaken, as this element of it was very personally significant to me, but I am torn as to how to approach it in regard to the position I hold in this local organization.

Nothing about me or my ability to lead and participate in the group has changed, but I worry that not disclosing this discovery is dishonest. If I do disclose, however, I worry that my standing in the group could be, at worst, compromised or, at best, confusing to others who may be interested in convening with those who share a similar background. I have not shared this with anyone yet other than my husband, because while there are individuals in this organization I have known for years and do trust, our town is relatively small, and gossip is inevitable. Do I have an ethical obligation to disclose these findings? I want to handle this with integrity, but this group means a lot to me, and the thought of my relationship to it changing because of this is painful. How should I proceed?

Re: I don't think you need to do anything?

  • Hm, this is difficult.

    I think I would ask for a closed board meeting and tell the board.  Or meet with the board outside of organization rules and tell them.  I'd explain it exactly how OP did here, though I think I would leave out the antagonism part (this makes me think that somehow it's something like Japanese vs. Korean or something w/in Black American vs. African diaspora).  IDK if there would be consequences or not, but I think OP will have to deal with any fallout.  Mainly b/c if somehow this DID become known, it's going to look very, Very, VERY bad and OP would probably be ousted anyway and there would be a terrible break within the community for OP.  At the very least, I think OP should step down from a leadership position and just become an attendee.
  • @VarunaTT that's where I'm at. OP can't change their life experiences and the culture they were raised in, but if this comes out without their control it is going to be a shit show. 


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  • There is so much nuance to this. I don't disagree with above about a path forward, I also don't think it's necessary unethical to not do anything.

    But I also keep thinking about how fluid families are, adoption, moves,  infidelity etc that can "skew" your DNA but not your experience. Like, there's a reason her ancestry passed down traditions and it could be explained a million different ways that are not appropriation or random adoption of another culture. Possibly the totally wrong way to approach it, but just all the things i'm thinking about. Very very open to being told i'm wrong. 
  • LW said that there is nothing in the board rules that say a person had to have the group's heritage. I have recently become a board member of a similar organization. I have no blood connection to the heritage (I'm Scottish and Irish the group is Italian). However, I love Italian culture, I was born in Italy while my father was in military service. The board members (at least some of them) know I am not Italian but the group as a whole does not. I didn't make a disclosure or anything it just came up in conversation, and I certainly wasn't going to lie. All that being said, I don't think LW is obligated to tell the board. It sounds like she is feeling guilty but I don't think she should. She was raised thinking she was part of that group and strongly identifies with the group. I think environment wins over biology in this instance.
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