I would talk about it, but you don't have to

Casadena

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My mother is pro-choice in theory, but in practice, she is not really for abortion. She believes that there are many other options and mourns the potential life that was lost. She has not been shy about her beliefs, so when I found myself pregnant at 16, it was my dad who I went to for help. We discussed my options and he listened and supported me. I had an appointment with a therapist and ultimately decided to have an abortion. My dad paid for it and went with me to the clinic. We agreed, at my insisting, that we wouldn’t tell my mother.

I have achieved all my dreams in the past five years, and I know I made the right choice. I have no regrets. But at a recent luncheon with my aunt, mom, and 19-year-old cousin, my cousin admitted that she was pregnant and didn’t know what to do, but was considering abortion. She is a freshman in college, on scholarship and in a very demanding major. My mother, of course, spoke optimistically of adoption or keeping the baby and related stories of people she knew that had come to regret having an abortion. It was hard to keep my mouth shut and not tell my story about my own abortion and my feelings of relief afterward.

I am torn between A) privately sharing my experience with my cousin and hoping she doesn’t tell anyone else, telling both my cousin and my mom so that my mom hears the experience of someone who doesn’t have regrets, and C) just keeping my mouth shut. I’d like to support my cousin through this decision, but I also want to protect my relationship with my mom and also my parents’ marriage. I am not sure my mom would forgive my dad for not telling her. Is there another way I can support my cousin without disclosing my secret? I am not shy about telling friends or partners about my past abortion but I really don’t want to lose my relationship with my mother over this. If I do tell my mother and leave out my father’s role in it, then I am not sure that he would feel comfortable lying to her and feigning ignorance when she turns to him. He says he will support me no matter what I decide but I am torn between living my truth and preserving my family. Is there a way to do both?

levioosa

I think telling the cousin would be the good supportive thing to do, but at the same time be prepared for a 19 year old not to have the tightest of lips and for the secret to be outed. But you're not obligated to share anything. It was your private decision. You can also have a talk and be supportive without sharing your own personal experience by doing what your father did; listening, offer to help drive and pay if she feels alone, but letting her know that whatever her decision is (keeping, abortion, adoption), you are supportive of her choice. 

MyNameIsNot

I would absolutely share with the cousin. I'd probably talk to my dad about it as well and let him know that it might get back to mom, and ask how he'd like me to handle the conversation if it does. 

banana468

I don't think I'd share with the cousin without talking that through with Dad.  A secret was kept from Mom and that can really be something that breaks marriages.

That said, it doesn't mean that there aren't ways the LW can talk to the cousin but I would be very careful about the Pandora's box that can be opened by being fully transparent. 

Casadena

Honestly, I think mom's feeling are the least important here, so if LW wants to reach out to cousin I think she should. I don't think there's a way to both shield your mom and share with your cousin. 

Mom will be hurt, and it might affect your relationship or your parents relationship. I can see how LW would feel responsible, but ultimately, your parents are in charge of their own feelings/disclosures and you trusted your dad for a reason and i'm so glad you had him to help you through it. 

I deal with similar dynamics with my family and 100% would have gone to my dad with something like this as well. At 38 i'm finally getting a point where i'm just done with tiptoeing around my mom's feelings so I'd share with cousin in a heartbeat if I thought it would help her. It's hard, and feels wrong sometimes to "disregard" or "disrespect" someone's feelings. Only LW can decide which path is best. Everyone will have a different opinion here. 

banana468

Yeah - @Casadena my concern here is that it isn't just mom's feelings on the situation at hand but that she's been in the dark for half a decade with a secret her H kept from her.  There's a lot to unpack but that could be something that they never recover from.

It's a rough situation all around but I think the LW is wise to consider it.  And maybe the reality is that by considering mom she's really considering Dad and a commitment they made together. 

Casadena

@banana468 I totally get that! and it would be incredibly hard and parents relationship may never recover. BUT at the same time, i don't think that's on LW. at 16, i don't think it's appropriate to insist a parent keep that secret from the other (I don't think LW did that, just illustrating it ) so it was Dad's choice to withhold that info. I imagine LW appreciate the secrecy all this time, but I still don't know that it would factor into my decision to tell someone about MY abortion experience. I do agree a heads up to dad before sharing would be thoughtful. 

charlotte989875

Casadena said:

@banana468 I totally get that! and it would be incredibly hard and parents relationship may never recover. BUT at the same time, i don't think that's on LW. at 16, i don't think it's appropriate to insist a parent keep that secret from the other (I don't think LW did that, just illustrating it ) so it was Dad's choice to withhold that info. I imagine LW appreciate the secrecy all this time, but I still don't know that it would factor into my decision to tell someone about MY abortion experience. I do agree a heads up to dad before sharing would be thoughtful. 

This is where I’m at- Dad made the decision not to tell mom (or to tell LW that he couldn’t keep it from her) and he does need to navigate that if it comes out. But I don’t think that’s on the LW now or when she was 16. 

short+sassy

The LW can support her cousin without disclosing her own secret.  I can almost guarantee the mother will find out if she tells the cousin.

The LW should do a Google search like I just did.  95% of women who get an elective abortion do not regret it, even years later.  Some studies have different numbers, but it's always the vast majority don't regret it and 95% was the number I saw the most often.

And now with those facts in her pocket, she should call her mom out on this bullshit any time she hears it.  As well as pass this info along to her cousin.  The LW should tell her cousin how misinformed her mother is on this.  That she (the LW) supports any decision the cousin makes and there is nothing wrong with getting an abortion if that is what she feels is best.     

I would also love to know "who" these people (plural!) are supposedly confiding to the LW's mother about their abortions.  Because that's not the kind of thing people usually share, especially to someone they know won't approve.   And no, people on her Fox news forums don't count.