Wedding Woes

I think you need to take your kids side

Dear Prudence,

What would you do if your partner really disliked your child? My partner, B, and I blended our families a few years ago and each brought a few kids with us. For the most part it’s been fine! The kids get along and everyone is pretty settled and thriving. Over the past six months-ish, B has started to show (and admit to) a pretty extreme dislike of my oldest child, G. G is tween boy and with tween boys comes a lot of … annoying and gross things. G can definitely be lazy and somewhat defiant (as in, doesn’t unload the dishwasher without drastic sighs and the occasional need to be reminded a few times), he’s not into sports and prefers to spend time gaming (we have strict limitations on it), and he definitely can be rude—in the way that all tweens and teens are.

G is no different than any other kid his age (including B’s own child that is one year older than G!) yet B frequently expresses his frustration with and dislike of G to me. He even recently did not want to attend an important school event for G. His interactions with G are negative, condescending, and full of unnecessarily harsh undertones. This is really getting to me. I even recently started working with a therapist that specializes in parenting so I can do better to help G be less … annoying? I don’t even know what I’m doing but trying to fix something that truly isn’t my job to fix. B and I have a wonderful relationship full of trust, partnership, camaraderie, and genuine enjoying each other’s company; but I can’t continue to sit back and watch/listen to the relationship between G and B go downhill.

For what it’s worth, B and I, and G and B, have had conversations about these frustrations, but it’s been fruitless. B even recently suggested that G may have to go live with his dad. This is not happening and quite frankly was an unwarranted comment. I could truly use some help in navigating this complex situation. How can I best approach it in a way that is productive and gives us actionable steps we can take to ensure everyone feels welcome and part of the family?

Re: I think you need to take your kids side

  • Woah big red flags here re: B. Big life decisions and conversations to have here. G is a dick tween. It's like the worst age group. But you're the adult. Act like it, B. I'm sure some of G's acting out couldn't possibly be because he senses that he's disliked. 


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  • VarunaTT said:
    I have some baggage in this area.  If this were me, it'd be a dealbreaker.  Kids have literally no one else to advocate for them but their parents.  OP needs to tell their husband to get into therapy to deal with his emotions or he gets out of the house.  I hate saying that, but OP is risking destroying her relationship with her son for her husband.  The fact that OP is taking on therapy to work with her son and her husband isn't?  BIG RED FLAG.
    All of this. 
  • Casadena said:

    Dear Prudence,


    For what it’s worth, B and I, and G and B, have had conversations about these frustrations, but it’s been fruitless. B even recently suggested that G may have to go live with his dad. This is not happening and quite frankly was an unwarranted comment. I could truly use some help in navigating this complex situation. How can I best approach it in a way that is productive and gives us actionable steps we can take to ensure everyone feels welcome and part of the family?

    This is the big giant red flag and where you draw the line. It's time for B to go live someplace else. 

    There is no coming back from this. If you try to let this go, you're choosing B over your kid. 
  • Yeah - there's an issue when the partner thinks that there's authority over where the kid LIVES.

    That would be a really quick response from me and if it was brought up EVER it would be deal breaker territory.  Is it brought up because he feels like he's a grown up with no authority in the house?  Why does he think this?  I'd give the dude 15 minutes to get him to change course before he knows that someone is moving out and it isn't the child.

    That said, when your kid is acting out you need to address it no matter how common it is.  And it sucks and parenting is hard but saying "all kids are like this" doesn't make it OK. 
  • VarunaTT said:
    I have some baggage in this area.  If this were me, it'd be a dealbreaker.  Kids have literally no one else to advocate for them but their parents.  OP needs to tell their husband to get into therapy to deal with his emotions or he gets out of the house.  I hate saying that, but OP is risking destroying her relationship with her son for her husband.  The fact that OP is taking on therapy to work with her son and her husband isn't?  BIG RED FLAG.
    B should be going to therapy to be less annoying.

    More importantly, to learn how to not be such an unrelenting AH to a kid.  How to not speak to him in a "condescending, negative, and unnecessarily harsh undertones" all the time.
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  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would end things with B yesterday.  Especially since you've had conversations and therapy and the suggestion was for G to leave the home.  Tweens aren't always joys to live with (believe me, I know) but nothing described sounds like age-inappropriate stuff.  B is a g.d. adult with his own kids and suggests throwing G out?  Just...wow.
  • Yeah - I can't imagine a worse way to forever screw up your relationship with your kids than saying 'Your step dad decided you shouldn't live here,' and backing up the new guy without standing up for your child.

    If this isn't a scenario that the kid is a danger to others (I remember when Chiquita was in the hospital a kiddo next door had a security detail on her and was told she was NOT returning home - THAT is rough!) then mom you're obligated to care for your kid and not to give into the new guy in bed.
  • I just saw a Thread that said, "It's over, my son deserves better" and thought of this letter, like PLEASE be that lady and kicking this SOB out.
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