Wedding Woes

I'd address in the moment

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been really close with “Chris and Jamie” for several years now. We’re all in our mid-30s in a smallish town and have become each other’s go-to people. We hang out about once a week, go to the gym together, and travel together a few times a year. I actually didn’t really like Chris at first, I found him arrogant and self-absorbed, but really liked Jamie and figured I could deal with him. At some point, something clicked and the four of us all got really close and became very fond of each other. He and I do really have a lot in common and have similar temperaments in a lot of ways.

Lately though, I’ve been extremely irritated with Chris—his arrogance is resurfacing and it’s been hard to have a conversation with him that he doesn’t take over. Here’s an example: He and I have both worked in the events industry in very different ways, myself in weddings and him in music festivals. Last night, I was explaining that I’m going after a job as a venue manager at a new place in town and he jumped right into explaining to me “what I need to do to be a good wedding coordinator,” a job I currently have … a job he has never had. He’s back to not really listening, just looking for opportunities to be a know-it-all.

Of course, I encounter annoying men like this every day and just move on, but Chris does have other redeeming qualities and I want to continue our close friendship as a group. How do I gently push back on someone I care about who temporarily forgets other people in the room know stuff too? I swear he dropped this behavior for like two years there as we were getting to know each other, and I can’t figure out why it’s back.

Re: I'd address in the moment

  • I recommend a hearty STFU to him.  I'm done coddling men who attempt to mansplain things I know about and they don't.

    'Course some people are still trying to be civil, so I guess, "Hey, you know that I'm a wedding coordinator already, right? Are you trying to insinuate I'm not good at my job?"  and let him backpedal.
  • "Oh, I didn't realize you'd had experience working as a wedding coordinator. When were you doing that?" or be obnoxious and ask something specific that you know he can't answer, like florist and officiant recommendations. 
  • I don't think Chris is going to change because I have a BIL who is exactly the same way (see: Sunday conversation). Even if you point it out they will try and save face with, "just trying to help out. You might not have thought about it that way, etc." 

    And it's back because straight men in their 20s-40s are the demographic being sucked down into red pill land and I would bet dollars to donuts I know exactly what his youtube and podcast streaming channels look like. 


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  • levioosa said:
    I don't think Chris is going to change because I have a BIL who is exactly the same way (see: Sunday conversation). Even if you point it out they will try and save face with, "just trying to help out. You might not have thought about it that way, etc." 

    And it's back because straight men in their 20s-40s are the demographic being sucked down into red pill land and I would bet dollars to donuts I know exactly what his youtube and podcast streaming channels look like. 
    A Joe Rogan super fan. 
  • Yeah - Dude needs to do way more listening here.  I get it from a lot of the older generation too and you just stop engaging. 
  • One of the nice things about becoming middle-aged is I've already spent too much of my life "people pleasing" and "not making waves/staying silent".

    Now I have the confidence and experience to stop suffering fools and people who patronize me.  I'm still nice when I correct someone...once.  But then I'm not.

    In that particular situation, I would have given a pointed reminder first in a joking tone.  Like, "Chris!  Are you REALLY trying to tell me how to be a wedding planner when I already have 10 years of experience."

    Hopefully that ends this part of the conversation.  The LW didn't say if he gave bad or good advice.  If he was insistent about bad advice, they should tell him why it was bad.  If he kept insisting, a colder response like, "I've already told you why I'm not doing that.  You've never been a wedding planner, so I don't want to hear your ignorant opinions about it any further."

    If it's good advice, they could take back the reins and give a real life example(s) of when they have successfully done that.

    ------

    This was when I was younger, but I guess I still shot my mouth off sometimes, lol.  I went on a first date with this guy.  It was a day date.  In our chatting I'd mentioned I like to go to casinos sometimes.  He said he'd never done much gambling, but was curious about it.  He suggested we go to the Biloxi casinos for the day.  I was a little unsure because that would be 3 hours r/t of just being in a car with him.  But what the heck.  I agreed.

    The conversation there was pleasant enough.  I explained how to play some of the games, but focused on blackjack because that was my favorite table game and the one he was the most interested in.  Then we got to the parking garage and he completely ignored me when I pointed out an upcoming parking spot.  I stopped doing it after the second time.  Whatever.  Find your own parking spot, dude.

    We had fun gambling and played blackjack for a few hours before deciding to head back.  He did at least listen to the advice I gave him while we were playing.

    As we were driving out of the parking garage, he told me that people should play blackjack like how the casino dealers play because then they would have the same house advantage.  Oh no, no!  I nicely explained the biggest advantage the house has is that the player can bust and lose before they do.  That the most statistically advantageous way for a player to play blackjack is to use basic strategy, which is exactly what I taught him and exactly what he will find if he Googles "how to win at blackjack".

    We then got into an argument as this MF'er, who had never played blackjack in his life until that day, is actually trying to tell me that I'm wrong!  You have to be kidding me.  I ended the argument by telling him I didn't want to talk about it anymore.  That I'm sorry he doesn't understand what I'm explaining, but I'm going to keep playing in the most advantageous way possible and he can play however he wants.  

    It was a fairly silent car ride back to New Orleans, LMAO.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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