So sad, but you have to take care of yourselves first

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I have a friend, “Jackie,” who has been homeless on and off for 10-plus years since their marriage ended and their house was foreclosed upon, simultaneously.
Whatever issues are there (anxiety, chronic excuse-making, etc.) make it impossible for Jackie to hold down a job, even though they are very intelligent and well-educated in several fields. Jackie has often borrowed money from me in the past, but in the last couple of years they went from loans to gifts as I knew there was no way for them to pay me back. My husband and I make just ok salaries but live in a very expensive area and rely on side hustles for things like vacation and home repairs. We also give money monthly to his parents, who had no retirement savings.

When Jackie transitioned last year, their situation became worse, as they entered into a demographic that is becoming increasingly vilified in our society. Jackie now calls me hysterical whenever the last sofa surfing host throws them out, looking for a place to stay. My house is very small, lacks privacy and, quite frankly, I loathe houseguests and have since I was a child. This would not be temporary, as in “my heater is being repaired.” This would be until I get fed up and asked them to leave. Every time they ask for money or a place to stay, I end up sending money to pay for a few nights in a hotel room (or car repairs, etc.) and then immediately calculate how many months of side hustling it took to pay for that. Then I get angry, and then I feel guilty for feeling angry.

Jackie needs to get a plan, get on disability, and get a low-income apartment. They have no parents and no siblings to help out, and their daughter is a recent college grad struggling to find a job, as well. Their ex-wife is not a nice person. How can I help Jackie without bankrolling or housing them? At this point, I don’t even want to text them to check up on their welfare, as any contact turns into a plea for money and housing. It breaks my heart, but we’re already helping to support my in-laws. We have our own retirement to worry about, too. It keeps me up at night.

banana468

I think you need to be clear to Jackie that you are not able to help with money or space.  But you can send them the # of an agency that can help them apply for disability.

But there sometimes can be a point where you also just ghost for the sake of your sanity.  And it doesn't mean you don't care but you also can't help people who won't help themselves. 

MyNameIsNot

You have to actually say no. Not hand over the money and seethe in anger, not avoid them to avoid the conversation. 

"Jackie, I love you and want the best for you, but all this money is taking a toll on my own well-being and I can't do it anymore. Please don't ask again." And if they do, you end the conversation. If they don't respect that, they just wanted an ATM, not a friend. 

short+sassy

The LW and their husband need to get over their guilt and stop trying to bail out the ever sinking rafts of other grown-ass adults.  Those people created their problems and they need to figure it out.

I'm slightly more sympathetic to Jackie if she truly has a mental disability that keeps her from holding down a job.  But that is also not anybody else's responsibility.  Especially if Jackie has spent the last 10 years not even bothering to sign up for the social programs out there.

She could have gotten Section 8 housing by now.  She would have had a much better chance as a single mother under X income.  But now it's an almost zero chance, unless she can get an official disability diagnosis that passes SSDI's muster.  She technically still qualifies because of her income.  But there are years' long waiting lists.  Generally speaking, the elderly/disabled get first priority.  Then single parents with minor children.  Then it's everybody else whose only factor is income.

Edited to add:  They should definitely look into social programs for the ILs also.  But what is their deal?  Are they too old AND infirm to work anymore?  Are they disabled?  But if the answer to both of those questions is "no", then the ILs need to start hustling because they are way behind the 8-ball.  Perhaps let the LW's spouse handle their finances if they aren't capable of saving money.