He's 14, maybe have an actual conversation?

Casadena

A few months ago, I caught my 14-year-old son, “Kyle,” watching some pornographic material. I informed my ex about it so Kyle wouldn’t try anything while he’s staying with him, and I signed my son up for therapy.

What has prompted this letter is a message from the therapist. Things are going very badly, and he suggested I talk to my son. I had an awkward conversation with him, and he says that he refuses to talk to the therapist, since he knows “he’s just a spy for you anyway.” I tried to explain doctor–patient confidentiality to him, and he stormed off, saying I must think he’s stupid if I really think he’d “fall for that.”

I wasn’t lying! Doctor–patient confidentiality really is a thing! And I have no idea what to do if he’s going to view any therapist or other support I could get him as some kind of attempt by his mom to spy on him. So now I’ve got this unstable situation where I keep him off the internet, only I know he needs some internet access for things like school and keeping up with his friends, and he’s just getting more and more resentful. How do I break out of this?

banana468

Why not talk to him before scheduling another therapist appointment WITH A DIFFERENT THERAPIST.  Those worth anything tell the kids "This is how Dr. Patient  confidentiality works."  If the therapist didn't do it, get a new one.  

And then consider talking to your kid about porn in general.  Let him know there's plenty about it that has a large following but also discuss that there is a TON of issues with it including how it exploits victimized people often women. In addition, it can create really unrealistic expectations for people.  At 14, it's a lot to unpack so start asking questions of your kid and also, maybe get your own therapist.  

levioosa

I feel like I need more context here. Like, a 14 year old boy was watching porn and you immediately freaked and threw him in therapy? No conversation about realism, safety,  or when it started, how often he's watching, etc? What kind of porn was he watching even? Because to skip a conversation and throw a teen into therapy for porn (something which they probably seen as benign) would royally piss me off as a teen too. For better or for worse teens want respect and to a certain degree they deserve to be treated with respect and given the time for adult conversations about things. But I cannot blame this kid if you skipped all conversations, and then rolled up to a therapists office out of the blue.  

MyNameIsNot

levioosa said:

I feel like I need more context here. Like, a 14 year old boy was watching porn and you immediately freaked and threw him in therapy? No conversation about realism, safety,  or when it started, how often he's watching, etc? What kind of porn was he watching even? Because to skip a conversation and throw a teen into therapy for porn (something which they probably seen as benign) would royally piss me off as a teen too. For better or for worse teens want respect and to a certain degree they deserve to be treated with respect and given the time for adult conversations about things. But I cannot blame this kid if you skipped all conversations, and then rolled up to a therapists office out of the blue.  

This! And alerted his dad to start monitoring also! God forbid she finds a crunchy sock; she'll have him in an inpatient facility. 

14 year olds look at porn! The internet means it's a little different from the playboys we stole when I was that age, but this is really normal puberty stuff. You freaked out, didn't talk to him, and now you wonder why he doesn't trust the therapist?

Casadena

Most of my friends were having sex by the time we were 14-16, porn is not an insane thing for kids to be curious about *at 14*. No conversation, no internet privileges, and getting stuck in therapy for it? Honestly, could see my mom reacting that way, but it is such an overreaction. Man, the shaming of sex and curiosity is so harmful. 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

I feel like I need more context here. Like, a 14 year old boy was watching porn and you immediately freaked and threw him in therapy? No conversation about realism, safety,  or when it started, how often he's watching, etc? What kind of porn was he watching even? Because to skip a conversation and throw a teen into therapy for porn (something which they probably seen as benign) would royally piss me off as a teen too. For better or for worse teens want respect and to a certain degree they deserve to be treated with respect and given the time for adult conversations about things. But I cannot blame this kid if you skipped all conversations, and then rolled up to a therapists office out of the blue.  

But clearly that was the dad's job (eyeroll).

The LW overreacted by so many levels.  I assume this was normal porn or she would have had another paragraph freaking out about the content.  Yeah, LW.  Your teenaged son watches porn.  The silly pearl clutching would be funny, except she's hurting her relationship with him further by forcing him into therapy over nothing.

I'm an adult who knows all about doctor-patient confidentiality* and don't blame the son at all for not trusting the therapist.  I wouldn't either.  Just because something is "supposed to" work a particular way doesn't mean it always does.  Especially with his mom's behavior already being concerning.  

*Though don't entirely trust it.  It's not like it works perfectly, especially with hackers being more skilled than many IT departments.  Or having to trust every single person with access to your medical records...which is A LOT of people you will never even meet...to be responsible with them.