Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been together for 20 years. Throughout that time, I have known his best friend, who I consider to be a nice person and a great friend. For a few years, this friend lived in another state with his roommate. Then, they moved back to our state together, still as roommates. We started hanging out with them more. First, the roommate was OK. Then, I was cornered by him during hangouts, trapped in one-sided conversations about his interests. I found out from multiple girlfriends of mine that he creeped them out and sent them unsolicited messages on social media. My last straw was when one of my friends, a single mother who was once subject to this guy’s unwanted advances, showed me messages he sent her on social media calling her a freeloading immigrant and other insults. I told my husband—who had been apprised of all these events up to this point and my increasing dislike of this person—that I no longer wanted to share space with the roommate of his best friend. Yes, these two straight men have been roommates for almost 20 years, and like a couple in a romantic relationship, they are seemingly inseparable. We know that if we invite my husband’s best friend anywhere, the roommate will tag along.
My husband is resentful that he “can’t” invite his best friend to our house or make group plans with him because I don’t want to be in the presence of the roommate. It makes me feel awful, both for him and his friend, who I still like, though I wouldn’t say he and I are that close. I have tried softening my stance and telling my husband that I’ll just deal with it if he invites them over occasionally but my husband says no. He says he understands but he still complains about it and holds it against me when we talk about inviting people over. It often leads to an argument with him bringing up the flaws of my friends, none of whom have offended him. Is there any way out of this guilt trip? Can we detach this roommate from our friend—at least when we invite him to things—so that we can include him in our life?