This is bizarre

Casadena

Dear Prudence, 

My mother keeps giving me underhanded gifts. It’s happened for years. As an example, I have a badly scarred spine from scoliosis surgery, and she bought me a backless dress. I’m allergic to nuts, but she buys me peanut butter truffles. I’m recovering from body-image issues (which she caused by calling me fat throughout my childhood), and she sends me high-calorie foods. I’m 18 now, but she still sends me these underhanded gifts every single holiday. I’ve tried talking about it but she just plays the victim (i.e., “You don’t like what I bought you? Why do you hate your mother! I’m just trying my best!”) and I don’t know how to say, “Just stop giving me these insults covered in wrapping paper!” without hurting her feelings, because then she’ll cry to my dad, her parents, and my sisters that I hate her, and then I’m fighting with the entire family. How can I make her stop?

—Tired in Texas

banana468

You can't.  Your mother is an asshole who wants to rub your medical issues in your face. 

Find a great therapist who can help you with the phrasing you need that tells your mom that you have no use for these things and you think she knows it. 

levioosa

It's not bizarre, that sounds like some personality disorder bullshit. She knows it will cause you pain and plays the victim. If I had given someone a hurtful gift unintentionally and they mentioned it to me I would feel so bad and would instantly apologize. Not twist it back to be about my feelings. 

MyNameIsNot

This is classic bullying. Treat her like a school yard bully - don't let her get to you. Don't acknowledge the gifts at all.

But also, therapy is a good idea here. There's probably a lot of trauma to unpack and it's worth it to heal and accept that your mom is not ever going to be the loving mother you're looking for. 

charlotte989875

Okay my mom is like this- not this mean, but she’ll give me something, usually clothes, and say “this doesn’t fit me anymore, it’s too big for me, so you want it” or “these clothes just hang off of me, do you want to see if they fit you”. My therapist thinks it’s some sort of competition she has, and I just don’t engage. What she wants is a reaction so the best thing I can do is not give her any. 

short+sassy

Not intentionally hurtful like the OP's mom, but for about 20 years one of my Christmas gifts from my mom would be no sugar added candies or cookies or other sweets.  And I know she's paying a fortune relative to what they are because they're shipped to me from those "gourmet" food companies like Harry and David.

Except I have NEVER had a sweet tooth.  That's always been true, long before I was diagnosed with T1 diabetes.  Then when I mostly cut sugar out of my life after my diagnosis, my desire for sweets dropped even more.

She knows all of that.

I didn't say anything for the first 5ish years.  But when I saw the pattern, I started gently reminding/telling her that I don't really eat sweets, whether they are sugar-free or not.  And when I do eat sweets/dessert, I'd rather eat the real thing and just take more insulin.  For example, she sends my H a box of assorted See's candy every year.  Now THAT is delicious stuff and I'll eat a couple pieces of it every few days.

I started telling her this every time when she asked what I thought about whatever dessert she had sent me that year.  She never took the hint.  After many years, it just starts progressively hurting my feelings even more that she keeps sending me gifts I've told her I don't want.

It stopped a few years ago when I got to the end of my rope and had a more blunt and blow-up conversation with her about it. Her H is a T2 diabetic and he had really liked these no sugar-added lemon macaroon cookies.  So she sent me two tins of them.  JFC!  I don't want sweets anyway and especially hate the taste of both lemon and coconut in desserts.  I couldn't hold back my feelings anymore.

I told her, "I don't know why you sent this to me.  I've been telling you for years that I don't like sweets.  It hurts my feelings you keep sending me gifts like that anyway.  And now you sent me my least favorite type of cookie because it has coconut.  As if that isn't bad enough, it also has a lemon flavoring. which I've also never liked."  She thought I liked coconut (no, that's my sister) and didn't remember I don't like lemon flavoring.  I could at least understand that part once she explained it.  But I'm glad the rest of the conversation finally got through to her.