If it's public you can't stop it

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I scheduled a yoga retreat to Thailand many months ago, a treat to celebrate the end of my 200-hour yoga teacher training. I’ve been looking forward to the solitude and relaxation, but was contacted today by an old roommate, who announced she wants to join me. Evidently, she is on my yoga teacher’s email list (why, I do not know, as she does not practice yoga). I did not invite her, nor have I ever shared any details of my trip with her. I am gutted. She has never traveled internationally, let alone undertaken a flight that will require three exchanges and over 23 hours of travel.

Most worrisome to me is her health. I’ve known her to have very poor health for over 20 years, ranging from heart palpitations to seizures, migraines, and muscle weakness so severe that she claims she often can’t walk. She doesn’t believe in “Western medicine” so to my knowledge is not receiving treatment. I feel cornered. Clearly, she sees this as her big chance to visit Thailand. Whereas my yogic retreat feels suddenly upended, into a time of babysitting and forced socialization. At the same time, anyone could sign up for this retreat; it’s not mine to control, and who am I to stand in the way of her travel dreams?

I feel terrible about resenting her intrusion. She said she’ll think about it for a few days, as she has to consider how hard this long trip will be on her body (I didn’t remind her that jet lag is also a thing). Any advice on what I could possibly say to her as she’s making her decision? Should I be brutally honest and then inevitably face feeling like a bad person? Am I justified in feeling like I’ve been placed in an unfair situation by an uninvited guest?

levioosa

"It will be great to see you and maybe we can grab dinner, but I actually had a lot of solo plans for the trip and am treating this like a sabbatical. I won't be available to spend much time in groups." And then, like, plan your trip and go? It sounds like she would have trouble even coordinating this. 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

"It will be great to see you and maybe we can grab dinner, but I actually had a lot of solo plans for the trip and am treating this like a sabbatical. I won't be available to spend much time in groups." And then, like, plan your trip and go? It sounds like she would have trouble even coordinating this. 

Totally agree.  The LW is making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be.

Coincidentally, one of my close friends (CF) just had a similar situation.  She planned a bucket list trip for her 50th birthday.  It involved taking her boat out to Catalina and doing a pretty hardcore 3-day hike up a mountain.  She and the friend (below) live in NOLA.  But CF works in the tv/movie industry and keeps her boat in Southern CA for when she has work in L.A.

She has a friend (RB) she's known for years, but not that well.  RB expressed interest in going with her.  CF wasn't upset she asked, but did have a number of concerns.  I got the impression CF would have preferred to go by herself and I encouraged her to just tell RB that.  But she's a people-pleaser and tried to look at the "plus" that it might be more fun with someone else.  As long as RB ended up being a good travel companion and most importantly...could handle all the physicality of the trip.

CF was VERY detailed on what was involved.  Does she get seasick.  How steep parts of the hike were.  The terrain.  The skill level.  The number of miles they needed to hike each day.  About 15 miles on both day 1 and 2!  How the camping would be.  She asked RB at various points in the description if she was sure that was something she could handle.  With always a confident "yes" from RB 

RB ended up being a constant complainer.  She was also very nervous on the boat and getting on/off it.  I'm too cold.  I'm too tired.  I'm a late sleeper and can't get up at 6am.  I don't want to get my new hiking boots muddy.

They get to Catalina and CF finds out that RB is blind in one eye, so she doesn't have much depth perception.  They get to the first campsite.  CF had specifically chosen one with the best views.  But it involved walking a short distance over loose rocks.  Oh, but no.  RB says she is extremely clumsy and falls over the smallest things.  She's too afraid to walk over the rocks because there is a good chance she'll slip and fall.  My friend is just incredulous!  And thinking to herself, "WTF is happening?!  Why would she possibly think she could hike up and down a mountain if she can't even walk over some rocks?"

They had to cut the trip short on the second day, though that wasn't RB's fault.  It would be the most arduous day and they'd already planned a provisioning company would take most of their gear to the next campsite, along with firewood and more food/water.  But it had rained heavily the night before.  The provisioner said it was too dangerous for them to deliver the stuff.  The company strongly recommended they not try to hike it either because the path was just slippery mud.  CF agreed and the company was nice enough to give them a ride most of the way back to the harbor.

I felt so bad for my friend!  She's wanted to do this trip for years and had been planning it for months.  But it was probably just as well it happened the way it did.  She had already been internally freaking out on what they were going to do if RB couldn't make it to the second campsite before dark.

The cherry on top?  RB, who had seemed miserable most of the time, said she is looking forward to trying again when CF does.  SMH.