If you're uncomfortable, i dont' think he should go

Casadena

Dear Prudence, 

My partner and I have been together for nine years. Last year, he mentioned taking a solo trip to Australia. However, that trip fell through when the married couple he was going to visit had a change of plans. Instead, he has opted to go to Hawaii, a place where I know he spent many happy moments with his ex. The ex now lives on one of the islands and will host him for a week.

The stories he tells about going around the islands have tarnished the idea of me ever wanting to visit with him because I don’t want to relive an experience he has shared with someone else. While I don’t want to stop him from seeing his friends, I can’t help but feel this “friend” is different. We have discussed how their relationship has made me uncomfortable throughout our time together. I didn’t sleep for days after he bought his ticket and my first inclination was to be moved out by the time he returned. Could I be overreacting or is this a red flag I can’t ignore?

—At the End of My Rope

MyNameIsNot

He bought a plane ticket with plans to go stay with his ex for a week without making sure you were ok with that first? Yeah, no. 

It's healthy and normal for couples to travel separately, but spending a week with an ex is a whole other thing. 

banana468

Granted I'm old and married but I can't imagine DH doing this.

Interesting story but years ago it wasn't even a vacation but a friend of his was moving and he offered to help.  The friend was female and the two of us had issues.  I knew that she had a possible thing for DH and previously she dated a friend and their breakup went poorly.  She was accurately called the psychohosebeast by friends but at the time DH hasn't written her off (and this was when we had just started dating).

As we got closer to moving day I talked about how we'd help and I was putting the issues behind me.  He mentioned to her how I'd offered to help and she said she wanted only HIM.  At the time I mentioned how pissed I was.  He said he felt like he couldn't back out because he had committed to it - something I understood but pissed me off.   Come to the day of moving, he's on the way up and she tells him that she's all done but he can still go there to hang out.  He turned around and came back and we hung out with a mutual friend/his roommate at the time. 

It's our dating anniversary today and we're together 21 years.  We don't talk to her anymore. 

short+sassy

I'm about as "un"-jealous and trusting as you can get.  But my man staying at his ex's place for a week is a dealbreaker.  It's not even a question.

Even worse, the partner knows how upsetting this is to the LW and doing it anyway.  I could maybe understand the P's POV if he had his own hotel room and was just going to meet the ex for lunch since they are still friends and on good terms.  But staying with the ex is so cruel to the LW.  

charlotte989875

You’re not overreacting this is weird.