Dear Prudence,
When I was a freshman in college, my parents initiated an angry, contentious divorce. My dad cheated and left for his pregnant affair partner, my mom was blindsided, and they both tried to draw us kids into it. There were fake CPS reports, my dad made suicide threats, and more. It wasn’t mature, but I reacted by dodging their phone calls and just never coming home. I had friends and a solid scholarship so I just worked and went to school and avoided the whole thing. My mom and I are on ok terms now, but I’m barely in touch with my dad. His child’s mom has full custody of the child so I don’t know either of them at all.
I’m the oldest of five children and I often took care of my younger siblings when I lived at home. Because I was avoiding the whole divorce situation, I also wasn’t really there for my siblings. It’s been eight years and all of them hold it against me, and my two oldest sisters outright told me I abandoned them. My middle brother told me I was worse than our dad, because he’d trusted that I would actually be there. We still speak and see each other at extended family events, but the youngest was 4 during the divorce and barely knows me now. They’re all very close to each other, and I’m lonely and guilty and jealous. I miss them and I want to be close, too, but I know I lost the right. I’d like to ask my siblings to do family therapy together, but some are still minors and we live in different states. How can I try to mend this?
—Missing Them