There's no middle ground here?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend and I are arguing about what being supportive of one another looks like. It started with her participating in Dry January and me deciding not to. Neither of us drinks that much, I didn’t feel the need to examine my relationship with alcohol or feel the effects of abstaining from it as I have unconsciously gone more than a month without drinking alcohol before. Even though I morally supported her, I did not go out of my way to shield her from alcohol (she is not going through an addiction recovery program after all—she is a 33-year-old challenging herself).

The whole month she would get upset if I had a glass of wine with dinner or wanted to go to lunch at our favorite brewery, which has a lot of nonalcoholic options and which she typically doesn’t even order alcoholic drinks when we go. Even me choosing brunch at the place with the “best Blood Mary in town” (her words) was seen as me not being supportive.

It has now evolved into me not supporting her fitness journey because I won’t participate in the things she does or diet. I don’t believe in diets. I was a wrestler in my youth and had a messed up relationship with food. I have since learned to eat and exercise in moderation and to enjoy both things. I support her goals—I encourage her, ask her about how her training is going, or how she’s liking various exercise classes or strength training sessions but I don’t want to join her in them. Apparently, by not wanting to go on a strenuous hike on a Sunday afternoon I’m being unsupportive. I was fine going on an easy to moderate hike but she wants to turn everything into a workout. I picked up Chipotle for us the other day and got her the healthy bowl option that she wanted but I was being “unsupportive” because I got my usual with extra guac and sour cream.

When I ask her what supporting her looks like, she says it is me being a part of the things she likes. But what if I don’t want to go to a hot yoga class (why is all yoga heated these days?!), or if I’d rather read a book than go on a walk after dinner every evening? How can I explain to her that being supportive doesn’t actually mean participating?

CharmedPam

Your GF can do what she wants. You can do what you want. She sounds challenging tbh.  I hate when people shove their lifestyles down my throat. 

Casadena

The GF is being a bit overbearing about some part of this (I mean, why go to Chipotle if you're not getting extra sour cream or guac...it's just not worth it otherwise). I think LW is also being a dick to prove a point. You can't go on an occasional hike or not drink for a few weeks if you say you don't even care about alcohol just to do something with her that's clearly meaningful to her?

LW doesn't have to diet and be die-hard about everything and she's definitely complaining a bit too much imo, but jesus, meet in the middle. 

ei34

Ugh, I hate siding with the guy (for some reason I'm reading this as a hetero couple).  But yeah, unless someone is in a recovery program of some sort, I'm living my life and you live yours.  One of my very first post-college roommates was very big on avoiding carbs and sweets, and the other roomie and I got an earful when we had bread/pasta/treats in.  Thankfully she moved out after 4 months, but it was annoying while it lasted. 

Like LW, I have months-long dry spells unconsciously, so I don't know if I'm allowed to comment on the alcohol piece.  But a possible middle ground could maybe be not dining at a brewery if someone is having an intentional dry month?  Even with NA options on the menu, the fact that it's a brewery (I don't drink beer, so I'm pretending it's a vineyard) might be extra hard for the girlfriend to sit through?

MyNameIsNot

ei34 said:

Ugh, I hate siding with the guy (for some reason I'm reading this as a hetero couple).  But yeah, unless someone is in a recovery program of some sort, I'm living my life and you live yours.  One of my very first post-college roommates was very big on avoiding carbs and sweets, and the other roomie and I got an earful when we had bread/pasta/treats in.  Thankfully she moved out after 4 months, but it was annoying while it lasted. 

Like LW, I have months-long dry spells unconsciously, so I don't know if I'm allowed to comment on the alcohol piece.  But a possible middle ground could maybe be not dining at a brewery if someone is having an intentional dry month?  Even with NA options on the menu, the fact that it's a brewery (I don't drink beer, so I'm pretending it's a vineyard) might be extra hard for the girlfriend to sit through?

I'm with you. Being supportive of your diet means I'm not going to buy you a case of your favorite girl scout cookies. It does not mean that I'm not going to eat my own damned cookies. 

I've worked really hard to get to a place where I feel like exercise and food are in balance (at least mostly). I'm not about to go on a restrictive diet or excessively exercise to make someone else happy, just like I'm not going to binge eat for someone else. 

banana468

Yeah - I am not a fan of support means 'we do this together'.

I was pregnant twice and DH supported me but he also still had alcohol and could eat lunch meat, etc when he wanted to.

Supporting me meant that if I hated the smell he wouldn't eat it.  And when I said that I loved Chinese food but the one time I ate it I couldn't handle it in pregnancy he wasn't getting take out and waving it in front of me.

Also, supporting HIM means knowing his boundaries and limits and not asking him to do things that are triggering. 

charlotte989875

I think they’re both wrong. You don’t have to do dry January but you also don’t have to choose to go out to a brewery with her either. Or you can’t take a 20 minute walk then read your book? You don’t have to do everything together but sounds like you’re also not willing to do anything beyond what you already want to do. 

She’s also got to be okay with him not wanting to do a trail run every weekend.

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

I think they’re both wrong. You don’t have to do dry January but you also don’t have to choose to go out to a brewery with her either. Or you can’t take a 20 minute walk then read your book? You don’t have to do everything together but sounds like you’re also not willing to do anything beyond what you already want to do. 

She’s also got to be okay with him not wanting to do a trail run every weekend.

This is also where I am.  She is very much in the wrong.  I actually find her behavior disturbing because it's very controlling.  Especially when he explained his concerns about avoiding certain foods because he had an ED when he was younger.

But there were a couple things she was upset about that made perfect sense to me.  Like he shouldn't have suggested lunch at a brewery during her dry Jan.  That was ridiculous, even if they do have great NA options.  It sounds like she's struggling at least a bit with her dry Jan., so it was a very insensitive suggestion.

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Puh-leez.  I of all people have had specific diets and sometimes extreme for the last 30 years.  I don't force it or say anything else about other people's food choices.  On a very small handful of occasions, like less than 5, I've asked someone close to me not to eat something if I knew it would make me too tempted or too sad.  But it was asked as a favor, not something I would have been mad at if they didn't want to.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I had to stop eating sugar.  This is a far broader category than most people think it is.  And I had to do it IMMEDIATELY.  Things thankfully became less grave than that once rapid-acting insulins came onto the market.  But that didn't exist yet in my early days.

I didn't demand that everyone around me stop eating sugar.  There were only two times I even said anything about it.  My b/f at the time wanted to go to a BBQ restaurant.  I told him BBQ sauce is LOADED with sugar.  That I couldn't eat any of the entrees, unless I ate them dry which sounded boring and unappealing.

Same guy, another time.  We were at a Mexican restaurant.  This was less than 3 months after my diagnosis.  I was still struggling with the news and getting used to things.  He said he was going to order a margarita.  All of a sudden, I felt this wave of such sadness come over me.  I asked him not to order it, just this one time.  That it was hitting me too hard right then that I couldn't have one.