Trying to be mindful but missing the mark?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I can’t have biological children. About a decade ago, in graduate school, a classmate learned this and decided to treat me like her therapist as she struggled with infertility. I was uncomfortable because I hardly knew her when she started this but I tried to be supportive, which she regularly said I was. When she got pregnant, she invited all of the women from our program to the baby shower except for me—even people I heard her regularly speak poorly of. It was hard not to imagine the exclusion as anything but intentional. (For what it’s worth, I responded to her announcement with excitement and happiness for her. Also, not everyone invited to the shower had kids, so that couldn’t be a factor.)

Since then, this has been a pattern. Women in my social circles, unconnected to my graduate school friends, who regularly invited me to events they hosted before their pregnancy have not invited me to their baby showers. I am frequently the only person excluded. I don’t talk a lot about my medical condition but it’s also not a secret. I always respond with genuine excitement and happiness when they announce their pregnancies. Now a very close friend is expecting. She’s discussed her shower around me, so I assumed I would be invited (though I didn’t say anything) but about two weeks ago, she mentioned mailing invitations. I have not received an invitation and she lives nearby.

I am at a loss for why this keeps happening. I know that I’m the common denominator in this, so I must be doing something that is making all of these women decide that they don’t want me at their baby shower but I can’t figure out what it is. I have made peace with my medical condition to the point that other people announcing their pregnancy genuinely only evokes joy and excitement for them. I’ve been told I don’t talk about my condition too much and I’ve certainly never mentioned it when someone was talking about their pregnancy. I genuinely don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

—Infertile and Uninvited

VarunaTT

I would ask my close friend.  Pregnant person might think they're doing you a favor, but honestly, that needs to be OP's decision.  OP must feel so left out, I think I'd be mad, honestly.

MyNameIsNot

Honestly, I would be thrilled if people would stop inviting me to baby showers. I hate them. But I'm an asshole. 

I'm honestly really surprised that she's had this happen multiple times with close friends and never asked a single one. I have to assume they think they're sparing her feelings, but maybe there's something else going on. 

charlotte989875

Yah it’s time to ask a close friend. If it’s happened as often as LW says then maybe there’s something they’re saying they’re implying a shower or event is hard for them? I don’t know but if you can’t ask your close friend who can you ask? 

banana468

Yeah - I think the OP is mindful enough that they see the repeating pattern so they need to put out there to close friends and ask.  Is there anything they're phrasing/saying that gives the impression that this would be a problem??