Find a new therapist

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I’m a young-ish woman starting therapy for the first time. It’s been an overwhelming process both because of the logistical hurdles of finding someone in network in addition to working on my own internalized stigma towards therapy, but I was able to find someone and make an appointment with them. Several days after making the appointment, I dug deeper and out of curiosity looked my soon-to-be-therapist up on various social media platforms (I had done a very cursory google search of her but didn’t go much deeper than that). I was shocked when I found her personal Instagram account.

It was full of racy photos of her, some of which showed her face, posing suggestively in what looks like bondage gear and lingerie—along with links to her Only Fans account! I felt shocked that given her professional role, she would have her first and last name attached to these. I’m already kind of a prude (which is something I do want to talk about in therapy and unpack!) but I don’t think I could focus with a therapist when all I can think about is what she looks like posing in a leather thong. When I told my friends I was thinking about canceling my appointment and finding another therapist because it made me uncomfortable, they said I was slut shaming and that there’s nothing wrong with a therapist having an Only Fans. One of them even said that this was actively discriminating against sex workers and that seeing a therapist who is a sex worker would be beneficial for me to “humanize” them and that it could help me work through my own issues (I come from what many people might consider to be a very sexually repressed background). Any thoughts about what I should do? Is it discrimination to switch to another therapist because of this? And more generally speaking, do you think it’s OK for someone in a professional role like this to post public content like that? My friends evidently think it’s unabashedly OK, but I know other people in my life would find it unfathomable, so I’m curious where you stand on this.

CharmedPam

I never even thought of googling my therapist.
but I’d go to her a few times to see what advise she offered before making judgements on what advise she can give. 

Casadena

So, i have no problem whatsoever with the therapists side hustle. I do think it's odd that she's so out there with her full name given her day job for exactly this reason. BUT i think LW should find a new therapist not because she thinks the side hustle is morally wrong (which she does, obviously) but because I don't think she'll be able to focus on her own stuff if she's hung up on this.

levioosa

Casadena said:

So, i have no problem whatsoever with the therapists side hustle. I do think it's odd that she's so out there with her full name given her day job for exactly this reason. BUT i think LW should find a new therapist not because she thinks the side hustle is morally wrong (which she does, obviously) but because I don't think she'll be able to focus on her own stuff if she's hung up on this.

Casadena said:

So, i have no problem whatsoever with the therapists side hustle. I do think it's odd that she's so out there with her full name given her day job for exactly this reason. BUT i think LW should find a new therapist not because she thinks the side hustle is morally wrong (which she does, obviously) but because I don't think she'll be able to focus on her own stuff if she's hung up on this.

This is where I’m at.

However, I can’t decide if having an easily found OF with real first and last name might actually say something about the therapist themselves. Not to say that sex work is bad in any way, but you have to know that people are googling you. Knowing that, being a therapist, and having an easily found OF feels, I dunno, a little exhibitionist? I don’t think that’s the word I’m looking for either.  I personally don’t have my real names on any of my social media platforms for this exact reason. Also safety reasons. I don’t have anything “bad” on my SM, but I don’t need it interfering with my professional life either. I know of stories where patients have stalked people’s SM and have even shown up to their homes. I think I’d also have the concern that someone might develop a parasocial relationship with me because they so easily found adult content and were focused on that instead of the actual therapy. Once again, zero issues with therapist doing OF, only raising an eyebrow that she did it and used her real full name. 

banana468

levioosa said:

Casadena said:

So, i have no problem whatsoever with the therapists side hustle. I do think it's odd that she's so out there with her full name given her day job for exactly this reason. BUT i think LW should find a new therapist not because she thinks the side hustle is morally wrong (which she does, obviously) but because I don't think she'll be able to focus on her own stuff if she's hung up on this.

Casadena said:

So, i have no problem whatsoever with the therapists side hustle. I do think it's odd that she's so out there with her full name given her day job for exactly this reason. BUT i think LW should find a new therapist not because she thinks the side hustle is morally wrong (which she does, obviously) but because I don't think she'll be able to focus on her own stuff if she's hung up on this.

This is where I’m at.

However, I can’t decide if having an easily found OF with real first and last name might actually say something about the therapist themselves. Not to say that sex work is bad in any way, but you have to know that people are googling you. Knowing that, being a therapist, and having an easily found OF feels, I dunno, a little exhibitionist? I don’t think that’s the word I’m looking for either.  I personally don’t have my real names on any of my social media platforms for this exact reason. Also safety reasons. I don’t have anything “bad” on my SM, but I don’t need it interfering with my professional life either. I know of stories where patients have stalked people’s SM and have even shown up to their homes. I think I’d also have the concern that someone might develop a parasocial relationship with me because they so easily found adult content and were focused on that instead of the actual therapy. Once again, zero issues with therapist doing OF, only raising an eyebrow that she did it and used her real full name. 

This is sort of where I am.   

MyNameIsNot

The fact that it's so easily found makes me wonder if she's really, really sure this is the same person and whether it's intentional. 

If it is the same person, I have to wonder if it's something like revenge porn or something f'd up. If not, it does feel like some kind of exhibitionism. There's no way the therapist doesn't know that her clients would see this. 

short+sassy

This is one of my pet peeves with people.  Discrimination is such a strong and loaded word because it has legal meanings in things that MATTER.  Like employment and housing, just to name a few.

So don't use an important word like that in such a ridiculous scenario.

Therapy is such a personal service.  If the LW isn't comfortable with a therapist for ANY reason, they should choose another one.  I'd say the same thing if someone was anti-Semitic and found out their new therapist was Jewish.  I'd think they were a jerk person, but agree they are better off finding a therapist they are more comfortable with.

At least religion actually IS a protected class for entities that need to adhere to anti-discrimination laws.  Which does not include someone choosing a therapist.