Dear Prudence,
Can you offer me some polite and considerate boundary statements to use when declining an offer to stay at someone’s home or share a rental property? Especially when I have stayed at their home and shared a vacation rental many times in the past? In this particular case, it is generally just assumed I will stay with this friend or rent with them, so I often don’t even have an opportunity to decline an offer; I would have to simply state that I will be staying elsewhere. I am no longer comfortable with staying with/sharing a rental space with a friend who is very dear to me, but is too sensitive to hear the reasoning behind it.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve discovered some preferences concerning my living space as well as how I treat rental properties, and am simply more relaxed when I can provide myself with these preferences. I’d like to handle issues like this with as much kindness (yet firmness) as I can. I’m especially concerned about follow-up questioning as to the reasons behind this change in my pattern of staying with/renting with the person, but am at a loss for what phrases to use to maintain my boundaries. I’m in the process of unlearning a life-long codependent/people-pleasing personality; it’s slow-going and extremely anxiety-producing for me, but this is an example of where I know I need to make a change and am ready to try.
—Daunted Invertebrate Respects Tactful Nay