Dear Prudence,
I’m reaching out because I’m in a tricky situation involving two people I’ve mentored within feminist circles. For context, I’ve been actively involved in feminist organizing for years and have always emphasized the importance of both holding strong to our principles and maintaining empathy and compassion, even when conflicts arise. But a recent situation has left me unsure of how to respond without causing more harm.
One of my mentees, “Jill,” is a passionate feminist and a strong advocate for women’s rights. However, I recently read an exchange between her and a male feminist, “Jack,” that has me deeply concerned. Jack had expressed some genuine frustration and hurt over feeling dismissed within feminist spaces, and while I completely understand the need to challenge male entitlement and call out problematic behavior, Jill’s response was shockingly harsh and demeaning. Instead of engaging thoughtfully or even setting firm boundaries, she doubled down with a barrage of bitter, mocking, and frankly cruel comments that seemed more about humiliating him than addressing the issue.
It’s clear to me that Jill is coming from a place of genuine frustration with performative allies—something many of us have experienced. But the way she handled it was toxic and counterproductive, not just for her relationship with Jack, but for the feminist cause overall. Jack’s final response was one of hurt and disillusionment, and he ended up renouncing feminism entirely, calling it “evil.” As much as I disagree with Jack’s overreaction, I can’t help but feel that Jill’s hostility played a significant role in pushing him away.
Now, I’m left wondering how to approach Jill about this. I believe it’s important to call her in and gently confront how her approach is harmful, not just to those she targets but also to the movement. We’re all angry, and rightly so, but if we’re using that anger to tear people down rather than build them up, we’re undermining our own values.
At the same time, I worry that Jill won’t take this feedback well. She’s fiercely defensive of her stance, and any criticism, especially from someone she respects, could make her double down even harder. I don’t want to alienate her or make her feel policed, but I also can’t stand by and watch this kind of behavior go unchecked. If left unaddressed, this kind of approach could drive away others who are trying to learn and grow—even those who are genuinely trying to be better allies.
So, my question is: How do I have this conversation with Jill in a way that might actually reach her without coming across as dismissive of her feelings or experiences? Is there a way to guide her toward a more constructive approach without invalidating her justifiable anger?
—Frustrated Feminist