Dear Prudence,
As a regular reader of your advice, I’ve seen so many excellent answers about what to do within a family when there are significant political differences. And Prudence, I think I’m pretty good at doing it all! For context, I’m a leftist in a left-leaning city and my mom is a right winger in my right-leaning hometown. Part of what helps me keep things in check is that we live relatively far apart so I can manage our interactions. I follow the common advice about keeping politics out of discussions and don’t have a problem with it. My mom is surrounded by people who echo her beliefs. So even if I did want to talk politics with her, I know my impact would be negligible and my voice would be drowned out by her closer circle. I just don’t think that my trying to change her would do anything but make our relationship more challenging. When we’re together, I call her out when she says something homophobic or racist, for example, but otherwise don’t talk about politics. And this INCLUDES when she insists on bringing up her politics. I’m great at changing the subject, shrugging, or giving so little back in the conversation that it ends.
But here’s my dilemma: I’m genderfluid. I’ve known for a long time but only in the last year have felt comfortable enough to start outwardly expressing it, including switching to they/them pronouns in most instances. I did not tell my mom this as I suspected it would be an issue but I also didn’t exactly hide it (my pronouns were public on my social media).
Well, drunk in the middle of the night she sent me a long email about how she couldn’t follow my social media account anymore because of what I post about gender (I’m an artist and a lot of my art supports gender diverse and trans-rights issues) and asked me to understand that she thinks, “God made only male and female.” Obviously, this resulted in me explaining to her that I am genderfluid and therefore it was beyond just my art she is against. There were months of back-and-forth where she came no closer to understanding and dug her heels in that there are only two genders and I was prey to “gender ideology.” Ultimately, I did what I usually do and stopped talking politics to try and have some tiny bit of a relationship with her.
But finally, I hit my limit and I asked her, in a level and calm way, exactly what she thinks about the LGBTQIA+ community (my community). It was all the worst things you could imagine. Yes, it’s a “sin.” Apparently, you can choose to live an “ex-gay” or “ex-trans” life to follow God. “God would cure people if they really wanted it.” “God doesn’t create gay or trans people, Satan does—oh, and he creates pedophiles, too,” she wanted me to know. Gender affirming care for youth is “child abuse” that she’s vehemently against because they should not be performing “sex changes” on minors. All very gross beliefs.
I’m torn. My whole adult life, avoiding talking politics with my mom is how I’ve managed to maintain a relationship with her as I’ve moved farther left and she’s moved farther right on the political spectrum. I’ve put in a lot of effort to tolerate her loud and problematic beliefs (including being around her when she refused to get vaccinated during COVID-19) and she’s never extended me the same grace. But we maintained a relationship because of my efforts. But this feels like … too much. Do I want a relationship with her? Is it worth it, knowing how hateful she is toward my identity and community, to keep the small talk and occasional visits? What should I do, Prudence? (Other than get a therapist because I have one already!)