Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend has been helping me set boundaries with my overbearing mom. This includes ending conversations and meetings when she becomes overwrought, putting her on notice that I will no longer tolerate certain behaviors, and introducing consequences of a sort whenever she’s truly terrible.
I recently told her I needed 30 days without contact after yet another outburst. She lasted two days before calling me to ask when I was going to apologize and, when I reset the clock and doubled it to 60 days, she went nuts. I started getting urgent calls from relatives asking if I was being abused; I got a wellness visit from the police; and I also got a call from a woman claiming to be a nurse who told me my mother had been hurt (she was fine—too long a story to go in to). Worse yet, my boyfriend heard from HR at his work that they had been alerted that he was abusing me.
I’m obviously furious and ready to permanently end the relationship. My boyfriend, however, is cautioning that I will probably regret the decision and that my mother is acting out so extremely because she’s never been challenged before. If I weather the storm, he says, she will finally realize that she cannot get her own way. Importantly, he also says that there have to be consequences for her actions, including legal ones. He’s consulting a lawyer and suggests that I do the same. Is this really the best way to go? Or should I just inoculate myself from the crazy entirely?