Figure out a way to talk to her DR

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My mother came to live with my husband and me nearly a year ago after she fell at home and almost couldn’t get back up on her own. Things were going well until recently, when she began to experience instances of incontinence. Unfortunately, my mother has also never been one to believe in wearing underwear (she is convinced doing so leads to UTIs and yeast infections), so you can imagine what the results are. To make things worse, she also refuses to see a doctor to find out if there is something that can be done about this.

My husband has reached the limits of his patience and says either she sees a doctor, wears adult diapers, or we are moving her into an assisted living facility. Her reaction is to curse him out and retreat to her room leaving me to deal with the fallout. What can I do to get through to her that she needs to take some sort of action?

banana468

She's an adult not a child.

Take your H up on all 3.  "Mom, I'm taking you to the doctor because these issues are  a problem for your health and also a problem for my home.   We need to figure out what's going on.  And like you said when I was 16, these are the rules of my house.  If you don't like them get your own house." 

VarunaTT

OP, aren't you grossed out by this?  You just talk about your husband's feelings, but what are yours?  I can't imagine living like this.  Mom is incontinent and wears adult diapers.  It's not her favorite, but neither is this option.

More than likely, it's just age, but she needs to go to the doctor and she needs to wear underwear.  If she doesn't like it, the option is assisted living.  Realistically though, assisted living will force her to wear them or kick her out; they have standards they have to maintain and pee-soaked residents are definitely against that standard.  I hate to say this about another adult, but she doesn't have a choice about this.

banana468

VarunaTT said:

OP, aren't you grossed out by this?  You just talk about your husband's feelings, but what are yours?  I can't imagine living like this.  Mom is incontinent and wears adult diapers.  It's not her favorite, but neither is this option.

More than likely, it's just age, but she needs to go to the doctor and she needs to wear underwear.  If she doesn't like it, the option is assisted living.  Realistically though, assisted living will force her to wear them or kick her out; they have standards they have to maintain and pee-soaked residents are definitely against that standard.  I hate to say this about another adult, but she doesn't have a choice about this.

Right?  This is unsanitary and a major issue for the overall ability for your house to not turn into something that is entirely unhygenic.

And as the child of someone who has other incontinence issues you wear them.  It's still horrible for my mom but I can't imagine her ever being OK with the alternative and Dad just choosing to opt for more severe issues.

I get the desire to not want to insult your mom or put rules on the person who was in charge when you were a child but clearly Mom needs you to be in charge or she wouldn't be living with you.  

MyNameIsNot

"Mom, it's clear that we've reached a point where you need more care that we're able to provide. I've scheduled appointments for some facility tours this weekend." 

levioosa

Also, new onset incontinence in older adults is frequently UTI related and treatable, so, like…take her to the doctor regardless? And if she needs depends she needs them but you cannot have her freeballing and incontinent around your home. I don’t blame H. That’s a hard stop for me too. 

charlotte989875

Time to see the doctor because this is gross. Sure she’s probably embarrassed, but it’s not going to fix itsself and this doesn’t work for anyone.