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Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My brother is newly engaged, to a very progressive fiancée, which surprised the whole family. He’s always been very conservative, a hardcore Trump voter. I’m progressive (and closeted queer) as well, and was delighted to notice positive changes in him, from unfollowing Elon Musk on Twitter to avoiding his nightly Daily Wire in favor of playing Dungeon and Dragons with his fiancée.

However, I’ve discovered that this isn’t real. It never was. Last night, he texted me an unprovoked late-night rant about how the LGBTQIA+ community shouldn’t have rights until they stop their “delusions,” and how I should be ashamed of myself for being near “those people.” He wasn’t drunk or high or fighting off a fever, but his fiancée was visiting her mother. It’s making me think that the progressive “strides” he made were just a show for his fiancée! Should I show her the screenshots?

banana468

Yup.  

"Hey what's up with your FI?  I'm not sure what's going on because he seemed to stop all the Trump stuff but I just got these texts from him.  Can you check on him?" 

Also, if you need to lie about your political leanings to someone you intend to marry you're so bad you know they're terrible and you are also not a good person - which is in itself really ironic family values man. 

VarunaTT

The way I would tell on my brother in a heartbeat for this.  I'm 100% positive he's lied to her, b/c I don't know any progressive women who are tolerating this sh!t in 2025.

I'd just send her the screenshots.  Let her take the wheel from there. 

downtondiva

Send her the screenshots and leave it at that - don't try to have a big conversation with her about this or keep bombarding her with whatever else your brother sends you. From there, it's up to her what to do.

levioosa

I love H, but if I discovered ranting like this or some hidden subreddit where he spewed this toxic bs I would divorce him in a heartbeat. H and I are making plans on how to protect me if things become truly horrible. This man would lean into them and she needs to be able to protect herself before she marries him. At this point it won’t be long before we lose the ability to have a no fault divorce. 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

I love H, but if I discovered ranting like this or some hidden subreddit where he spewed this toxic bs I would divorce him in a heartbeat. H and I are making plans on how to protect me if things become truly horrible. This man would lean into them and she needs to be able to protect herself before she marries him. At this point it won’t be long before we lose the ability to have a no fault divorce. 

I went down a rabbit hole reading about at-fault vs no fault divorces a few months ago.

In a nutshell, they're awful and MUCH worse than a "at-fault" divorce for just about everybody.  Though women historically have it the worst, especially for the most vulnerable.

At-fault divorces require "grounds" for the divorce.  It varies by state, but is typically only a few reasons like:  cheating, physical abuse (not verbal), and crime/the spouse going to prison.  With proof needed if your spouse didn't admit to the wrongdoing. 

Sometimes couples would have a verbal agreement ahead of time they would each accuse each other of cheating and neither would dispute it.  Even if none of that was true.  Otherwise, they didn't have "grounds" and were forced to be in a miserable marriage that neither person wanted.  It doesn't make any sense.

But it was even worse for people who were TRAPPED in their marriage because they didn't have grounds or proof of grounds and their spouse didn't want a divorce.

If I'm remembering correctly, the first states started making no-fault available in the early 70s and other states quickly followed because it was CLEARLY a much better option.

Here's an unsettling stat.  The year after a state made no-fault an option, the suicide rates for married women dropped.  This was true for EVERY state.  All 50 of them.  Some saw a decrease as high as 50%.

Two-time divorcee and rampant cheater Trump wants to get rid of no fault divorce to "preserve the sanctity" marriage (eyeroll).  

ei34

If we lost no fault divorce my strong hope would be that women would simply stop marrying men. That would be a terrible thing to lose and lmao at T***p caring about the sanctity of marriage.

MyNameIsNot

ei34 said:

If we lost no fault divorce my strong hope would be that women would simply stop marrying men. That would be a terrible thing to lose and lmao at T***p caring about the sanctity of marriage.

I wish, but I doubt it. We've known for a few months at least that it's going to be much harder for married women who change their names to vote, but women are still changing their names. 

levioosa

Losing no fault divorce will be catastrophic for women and anyone else trapped in an abusive relationship.