Just say no to the wedding party

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My brother just got engaged. His fiancée is wonderful, and I think she’s great, the whole family loves her. Here’s the problem: I can’t pretend everything’s fine and stand next to my brother at the ceremony. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD because of some of the things he did to me. I’m still recovering from traumatic events I experienced because of him, and I can’t shake the memories and flashbacks, no matter how hard I try, so I limit my time around him. Most gatherings are fine, we keep a bit of distance and make small talk, and then I leave, but the best man can’t exactly disappear mid-ceremony to fend off a panic attack. He’s made strides, apologized, and that’s great, but it’s not enough to make me forget the past, magically heal, and be his best man.

His fiancée really wants us to get along and have a better relationship (she grew up in a big, close family), and she wants me to be in her wedding. I don’t feel comfortable being his best man, and I don’t know how to say this without dredging up our ugly past. The fiancée doesn’t know what happened beyond the basics that something occurred and we split apart, so she won’t understand why I’m saying no. Do I suck it up and pretend everything’s fine, or do I attend as a guest and break my future sister-in-law’s heart? I’m not willing to tell her why, as I do genuinely care about my brother’s happiness, and I don’t want our past getting in the way of his relationship, since he’s not that guy anymore.

—Struggling With Support

banana468

If this is that strong then I think you need to handle this with your brother and leave the FI out of it.    Be clear to him that you're respecting that he's apologized but you have your own issues still and consequently you cannot be his best man.

HE gets to explain to his FI why this is happening.  And if the FI puts you on the spot, be clear that it's up to him to explain. 

downtondiva

If being that close to your brother and having to pretend in front of a bunch of people that everything is happy and fine will be that distressing for you, then you should not be in the wedding party. 

And I agree with @banana468 that this is a conversation to have with your brother, not his FI, and that it's up to him to explain to her why you two aren't close and why you aren't going to be his best man. The FI may mean well, but she shouldn't be dictating that side of the wedding party or your relationship with your brother. She needs to stay out of it and respect your decision.

VarunaTT

I learned my lesson the hard one in this one.  ExH's family talked like they were close, but they were not.  I had been excited to marry into a big family, b/c mine is so small and I'd always dreamed of a large, close family.  I pushed to make him reach out to his family more.  I shouldn't have, it only ever caused problems, and looking back?  yeah, there's a reason they weren't all close and I just made it worse.

OP needs to talk to his brother about this and say they'll attend as a guest, but they don't want to be in the party.  Bean dip fiancee when she gets in the middle of it, b/c she's wrong, but brother will want to defend/protect her.  But stand firm in your decision, OP.

short+sassy

"Break her heart"?  Did she say that?  If so, the LW needs to understand she's being overly dramatic.  She'll be fine and needs to stop butting in.

If he came up with this on his own, he needs to dial it way back instead and stop adding to his undeserved guilt.  Because just like above, she'll be fine.  And shouldn't have said anything to the LW about it.

levioosa

I feel that so hard @VarunaTT. My family is small and I’m not close at all to my brother and I might as well be an only child. I was so excited to have a big family with H. None of them are really close though. And once I was around long enough I realized how friggen dysfunctional the whole family dynamic is. My involvement backfired on me when I tried to point it out though. Lead a horse to water and all that.