How do I manage conversations and upcoming celebrations (bachelorette parties, wedding festivities, five and 10-year reunions, etc.) with college friends who are on the more extreme end of our (shared) political leanings? We are all five to eight years out from graduating from a tiny, ultra-expensive liberal arts college in California, which both shaped our current views and provides some insight into the privilege that most (but not all) of us had to afford that kind of education at all. Under the current administration, it’s also totally understandable for us to vent about our fears (most of us are in STEM) and sorrow for the things happening in our lives, in the news, etc.
However, I’ve been feeling like the odd woman out at some of these recent get-togethers. I seriously struggled in my first Ph.D. program at a top-rated university in a big city and “mastered out” during the pandemic. Thankfully, I found a program that was a better fit at a big state school in a more rural area. I love living in my new state and am committed to starting a career and putting down roots here. But I think my experiences living in a mostly white (and in many other ways vastly less privileged) community have changed me.
I was surprised and alarmed at the way my friends talk about certain topics: “all men suck,” “straight white people are the problem,” etc. (we are all women, mostly BIPOC, queer and allies). Some of this may be explained by 1) legitimate frustration with life in current times, and 2) finally having some girl talk after years without seeing each other. But yikes. I felt like I couldn’t speak up or even mention my (white, straight, male) partner because the tides of conversation were flowing so strongly in the other direction. At the same time, I thought (and was immediately ashamed to think), “Wow, is this what MAGA types dismiss as woke?” And of course, everyone’s rhetoric seemed to be immediately validated as we went out for drinks and dancing, and two of our party were grabbed and groped by—you guessed it—white, male strangers. I feel caught between supporting the (legitimate) concerns of the people (including myself, a woman of color, daughter of immigrants, and scientist) at risk under this administration, and the (problematic? Bigoted? Unhelpful?) urge to say, “Our rich person privilege is showing” and/or, “Poor white people are also people, and I’ve even talked to some of them.”
Do I need a script to ease the intensity of some of these conversations? Steer us toward less fraught topics? Just nod and smile? Invitations for various celebrations of this college friend group will continue rolling in, and I am genuinely excited to catch up with everyone. However, I will absolutely be bringing White Straight Male Partner as my plus one when applicable, who had a completely different childhood and college experience compared to the rest of us, and already has a pretty dim view of the kind of conversations he might be drawn into as the only white man at the table. While he could definitely stand to be more actively feminist and anti-racist in our everyday lives, getting grilled over a fancy meal by a bunch of PhDs whose parents funded their education would not be the way. Because nowadays it DOES matter, I should clarify that he is not a Trump supporter, does not support or condone hateful beliefs, and will not accidentally nor purposefully insult anyone at these gatherings based on race, culture, or gender identity.