Lower your expectations

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My parents—“Tay,” and my father—divorced about a decade ago and agreed my father would get primary custody, meaning I didn’t have the closest relationship with Tay growing up. I’m an adult now, and temporarily moved in with Tay after accepting a new opportunity in their city.

I feel like I’m noticing all their worst habits for the first time. Tay prioritizes the social outreach work they enjoy, rarely show interest in my life, don’t even know when I get off work despite it being a consistent time every day. My birthday came shortly after moving in, and Tay completely ignored it, even though they knew I had no one else here to celebrate with. Tay says they’re just respecting my individuality as an adult, but it doesn’t feel that way. Talking to them feels like talking around a brick wall.

I don’t know how to approach this issue. I feel like it’ll become resentment if I wait too long. However, I’m also afraid they’ll take it poorly. Tay has cut off their own friends for giving them similar criticism in the past. How do I start a conversation about this issue? Am I being selfish for demanding their attention?

MyNameIsNot

Tay wasn't much of a parent to you when you were a child. They're not going to suddenly morph into one now. Think of them as more of a roommate or distant relative than a doting parent who didn't get the chance, and you'll be much less disappointed. 

charlotte989875

Probably individual therapy. You moved in with an estranged parent who you’ve barely seen in 10 years in a city where you know no one else, and you’re expecting them to be involved in your life in a way they have never shown interest in being. 

So definitely lower your expectations but also maybe think about why you thought they were reasonable in the first place. 

levioosa

The fact you have them on a name basis instead of “mom” or “dad” was the sign they were never going to be the parent you wanted them to be. It sucks but they’re not going to magically change who they are now. 

ei34

Ditto everyone else. This sucks and is sad. But if Tay didn’t care for you as a child, I can’t see them suddenly taking an interest now. 

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