Dear Prudence,
I wouldn’t say that my sister “Kim” and I are close, but she does call me like clockwork every three months or so to talk to me for three hours straight about her woes. I have a lot of patience for these calls actually and do feel like I can handle them. But I feel like I’m holding back some very crucial feedback for Kim that involves our family, and also her kids.
Kim is an all-talk, no action kind of person. She talks a big game about the kind of person she is and what she wants out of life, but then she just kind of lets life happen to her. She is painfully unaware of other people’s interests and needs, but will tell you all day long what a good friend she is and how all she does is live for other people. Kim is constantly talking about how she would literally die for her children, but spends most of the day ignoring them while she posts on Facebook about how much she cares about her kids. I’ve been hearing for years about how she’s just about to start getting into shape, about to start working again, about to work on her garden, etc. She is so desperate to be seen as a good, capable, hardworking person but literally puts zero effort into behaving that way. She takes advantage of everyone she can and is reaping the consequences in loneliness and isolation.
Obviously Kim is struggling profoundly and deserves to be in therapy and to have a good support network. But like many people who struggle with possible-ADHD or anxiety or personality disorders, she can’t take action to make those connections. I can’t solve anything for her, but I feel like I could try to reflect back to her what I’m seeing. Our parents and brother have kind of washed their hands of her, she doesn’t have friends, and her partner is checked out too.
I feel like I have the presence of mind and the right motivation to be real with her but I also don’t want to be unkind. We can’t even really have conversations because she just talks over me, so I feel like I would need to send her a long text or something to express myself—but my frustration with her has kind of short circuited my kindness. How do I thoughtfully say “You’re so totally full of shit and self-absorbed. I’m here for you as your sister, but also you have to talk less and just do more because you’re living in self delusion?”
It’s actually not that I personally want to feel heard by her because I’ve long since given up on getting that kind of connection from Kim. I just want someone to finally shine a spotlight on her pattern of behavior and I guess it could come from me.