Suck it up and go

Casadena

Dear Prudence, 

The neighborhood curmudgeon finally kicked the bucket after, from what I am told is a 50-plus-year reign of terrorizing the community.  “Miss Jones” made life a misery for everyone she encountered—screamed obscenities and threats of calling the police at neighborhood kids who had the temerity to ride past her place; frequently dumped her yard waste on the next door neighbors’ lawns; stole newspapers from others back when physical papers were a thing; allowed her dogs to defecate on other people’s property; thought nothing of plugging in an extension cord at the next door neighbor’s to help herself to some electricity, etc.

The problem is that my wife, for reasons I cannot understand, is insisting that our family attend her funeral! This woman had no friends or family willing to remain close to her for good reason. She says that’s the point. As far as I’m concerned, if that’s the way she feels, she’s welcome to go on her own, but she’s insisting on dragging the rest of us along. Our teenage children and I all think this isn’t right. Other than faking a collective case of food poisoning, how do the kids and I get out of this one?

MyNameIsNot

I'd take the kids camping that day and let her do what she wants. 

banana468

I'd try a clear discussion and ask why she's so insistent that the family attend something that you are insisting is not appropriate for many reasons.

And sometimes you can state that you're just not going to support her in situations like this. 

VarunaTT

The neighbor is dead and doesn't care if her funeral is ill-attended.  IDK why OP's wife cares that the funeral isn't well-attended.  I would say that I'm not going, the kids aren't going, but she is welcome to attend with her own time.  My thought is that wife is doing this for some sort of appearances and this is nonsense to try and uphold for someone that sounds like a monster.

Casadena

Or she feels bad that the woman was alone and wants to pay her respects because she knows a lot of people won't. I get that. I think the H is being an ass. 

banana468

Casadena said:

Or she feels bad that the woman was alone and wants to pay her respects because she knows a lot of people won't. I get that. I think the H is being an ass. 

I totally disagree with you.

Sometimes gentle kind people find themselves alone in old age unfortunately.

This sounds like it was of her own making and creating an argument to force people to take time out of their busy schedules to show up where he's actually pleased he no longer has to deal with her sounds like the wife is needs to sort out her own guilt and empathy about how the woman wound up that way - but forcing it on kids is actively teaching her offspring that adults are to be obeyed and time with them is mandatory rather than talking to them about relationships built on treating others well.   

Casadena

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

Or she feels bad that the woman was alone and wants to pay her respects because she knows a lot of people won't. I get that. I think the H is being an ass. 

I totally disagree with you.

Sometimes gentle kind people find themselves alone in old age unfortunately.

This sounds like it was of her own making and creating an argument to force people to take time out of their busy schedules to show up where he's actually pleased he no longer has to deal with her sounds like the wife is needs to sort out her own guilt and empathy about how the woman wound up that way - but forcing it on kids is actively teaching her offspring that adults are to be obeyed and time with them is mandatory rather than talking to them about relationships built on treating others well.   

I understand where youre coming from but definitely agree to disagree. Even the LW's tone and word choice here is vile and I don't think speaking like that about anyone is ok. Fine if you don't like the woman, but doesn't seem like they know enough about her life/health/situation to make calls about how/why her family is not close or to call her names and act like spouse is ridiculous for having some empathy (obviously you can guess given some witnessed behaviors, but they don't KNOW).

I don't think anyone needs to attend the funeral specifically, and i don't think anyone is wrong for not wanting to. This LW is just really rubbing me the wrong way with the language and vitriol toward his wife and the neighbor. Don't love that. 

short+sassy

Casadena said:

Or she feels bad that the woman was alone and wants to pay her respects because she knows a lot of people won't. I get that. I think the H is being an ass. 

I definitely agree with the first part of your comment.  I don't think the H is being an ass, but it's also not a hill I would die on.  I would accompany my spouse if they wanted me to.  Though the teenaged children are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to go and shouldn't be pressured to.

There were a number of elderly people on my block when I first moved to my house.  Four of them have passed in the time I lived here.  I didn't go to any of their funerals.  I mildly didn't like two of them.  They were part of the same local, large family.  I'm sure there were plenty of people at her funeral.  One of those women wasn't as bad as the OP's neighbor but had some of that attitude.  She was always unfriendly and scowling, even when we didn't have a beef.  And we had a few minor ones because of her nonsense.

I was close friends with one of the others, but our relationship really soured in the year before she moved to a retirement home and then she died about a year after that.  She'd had a 30+ year friend/roommate that I was casual friends with.  But she moved to a nursing home in MS and I wasn't going to travel that far for her funeral.

banana468

And I think the wife is very empathetic towards someone who may have had a diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness.

But it would be hard to get me to want to put on my dressy somber attire after waste was thrown in my yard repeatedly, I cleaned up animal excrement often on my property and my children were threatened in their neighborhood.

Unfriendly and scowling?  Yeah poor old lady is grumpy.  But if my teen thought she can finally ride her bike down the road without learning new curse words, my sneakers not tracking in anything but outside dirt, read the morning paper that I paid for and know that I won't find additional waste in my yard that I need to clean up....I don't know.     I think it's a really dangerous thing to insist especially to children that funeral attendance is owed.

flantastic

I can see me being the wife here, at least in terms of feeling like I should go myself. But this doesn't seem like a situation where you tell the rest of the family they need to go. The wife can go if she feels compelled, but the LW and kids need not show support they don't feel in this situation. This isn't a teachable moment.

VarunaTT

IDK.  I remember a boss once who was a complete and total ass (Diva for the old timers) telling me, "You'll probably all dance on my grave when I'm dead".  Well, yeah b/c you're a bullying sonofabitch who makes it his joy in life to make your support staff cry.  No, most people will not be sorry when you're gone.

Even if this elderly woman was gravely ill or suffering from dementia (which might be true, but he also says she's terrorized the neighborhood for 50 years), it doesn't mean everyone should suck it up and suddenly mourn her death.  You don't have to have a party, but you don't have to pretend for....reason?....to have enjoyed her presence and mourn her.  I didn't think he talked about his wife badly, just that "I don't understand why she's insisting on this."  I also didn't feel he talked about the neighbor badly...he listed her behaviors which are vile, not his language.

Mean hateful people don't have well attended funerals.  **shrug**

banana468

flantastic said:

I can see me being the wife here, at least in terms of feeling like I should go myself. But this doesn't seem like a situation where you tell the rest of the family they need to go. The wife can go if she feels compelled, but the LW and kids need not show support they don't feel in this situation. This isn't a teachable moment.

Right.  I can see taking the time to put on a dress and head down to the local church and know it's a corporal work of mercy to attend.

But IMO it's pushing REAL hard on the family to insist that they go for anything other than feeling like it's faith-based.   

I also didn't read this as insulting.  I read it as the LW listed all the things that the neighbor did including what he personally witnessed and he wasn't consulted by his wife but TOLD that's how he was going to spend his time.  I don't know - I think that's a big issue marriage-wise to force that on your spouse and not hear the counterpoint as to why they feel equally as strongly about not going.   He isn' telling her that she can't go.  He's saying that he objects to her requiring his attendance and the attendance of their kids.

charlotte989875

I’d probably be the wife here. Except I’d try and explain why I thought it was important we go and let the kids make their own choice. I don’t think LW needs to go, but I also think he’s kind of being an ass to his wife. You don’t have to agree but the “for reasons I cannot understand” are giving me “agree with me that my wife is crazy” vibes and that’s not cool. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

I’d probably be the wife here. Except I’d try and explain why I thought it was important we go and let the kids make their own choice. I don’t think LW needs to go, but I also think he’s kind of being an ass to his wife. You don’t have to agree but the “for reasons I cannot understand” are giving me “agree with me that my wife is crazy” vibes and that’s not cool. 

I think if I spent years with my kids riding bikes on eggshells, cleaning up excrement, additional waste and my stuff was stolen, I'd absolutely look at my husband sideways if he told me that he was telling me that I'd be going to the funeral of the offender.  

CharmedPam

banana468 

I think if I spent years with my kids riding bikes on eggshells, cleaning up excrement, additional waste and my stuff was stolen, I'd absolutely look at my husband sideways if he told me that he was telling me that I'd be going to the funeral of the offender.  

Yeah. I’m not going. 

ei34

I can see attending myself but not making anyone else go.  Also agree @Casadena that the LW's tone towards his wife is messed up.  He sounds really angry at her in the second paragraph (and yes I agree with him that the first paragraph stuff = crummy neighbor).

VarunaTT

I think I would be angry if someone was insisting on my presence at something I didn't want to go to.  Saying "reasons I cannot understand" seems fairly nuanced and neutral to me.  As long as he's not calling his wife names or making personal insults, I don't find his tone about his wife offputting.  He's calling her behavior not understandable.  I don't understand her either, but I think he makes clear the issue is that she wants him and the teemagers to go, none of them want to, and she's creating an issue out of that.

banana468

VarunaTT said:

I think I would be angry if someone was insisting on my presence at something I didn't want to go to.  Saying "reasons I cannot understand" seems fairly nuanced and neutral to me.  As long as he's not calling his wife names or making personal insults, I don't find his tone about his wife offputting.  He's calling her behavior not understandable.  I don't understand her either, but I think he makes clear the issue is that she wants him and the teemagers to go, none of them want to, and she's creating an issue out of that.

That's how I'm interpreting it as well.

And I think if this was any other situation or a change in genders we'd all be bristling at the concept that a husband TOLD and did not ASK his wife that she and their offspring would be taking time to attend the funeral of her tormenter.

And depending on the ages of the kids and the work/home situation, it's telling the H that he's now taking a day of PTO to do this or sacrificing precious weekend time to do it.   For the kids, it's missing school which may or may not be an issue or missing one of their commitments.  

There are the two key things for me: the background in the neighbor's behavior over a span of many years (long before it can be blamed on a cognitive decline) and the concept that one spouse is mandating this without the opportunity of negotiation or ability for their partner to say no.