Your feelings are valid

Casadena

Dear Prudence, 

I lost my daughter three years ago. My granddaughter was only 3. Now her father is remarrying—to my daughter’s best friend.

It should be a blessing. They all grew up together. My daughter has her fingerprints all over their new home (she collected mugs from every place she visited, and they continue the tradition and have a custom-made shelf). Her pictures are there. They tell stories about her.

But they are planning to get married, and I can’t stand it. It is like I am losing my daughter all over again, and her friend basically stole her life. I know this is irrational, but I find myself struggling to keep my temper when I am around them and the topic of the wedding comes up. I know they will invite me, but I don’t think I will be able to stand it. My granddaughter is loved and adored by them both, and I know this is the best possible stepmother she could get, but it is ripping my soul into pieces when I hear her call someone other than my daughter “mom.” What should I do? I am in grief counseling and it hasn’t helped.

banana468

If grief counseling hasn't helped then find another counselor?  See a different therapist?  You are more than entitled to your feelings but at some point how you behave is going to affect the relationship you so desperately want to maintain with your granddaughter.

charlotte989875

Get another therapist. Because this is all grief. And that’s okay. And it’s good you recognize this is irrational and you’re trying not to act on it. But find someone new so you can eventually see this as the best possible outcome of a terrible situation. 

ei34

One of my closest coworker friends is in the stepmother role.  Two members of her close-knit high school group got married, had two daughters, and the wife passed away in 2020.  She moved in to help and over the next few years, grew closer to her now H, and they just got married a few months ago.  She has said that some of their mutual friends, and the wife's family (who she's known for almost 30 years) have made it difficult. 

LW is entitled to her feelings but I agree that a new therapist might be helpful here.  Also maybe a bereavement group that specializes in struggling with when others move on?

short+sassy

I agree with you all that the LW should seek out a new therapist and also look into a bereavement group.  I assume there are some, at least online, that are specifically for someone that lost an adult child.

But the other thing I wanted to add is the LW shouldn't feel obligated to go to their wedding.  They sound like loving people and I think they would understand if the LW said something like, "I wish you all every happiness (even if that isn't quite true), but it will still be too painful for me to attend your all's wedding."