Talk to your H

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I started dating three years ago and got married earlier this year. It’s a second marriage for each of us. Both of us had been divorced for several years when we met. I don’t have children; my husband has three kids, all of whom were teenagers when we started dating. The oldest was in college when my husband and I got together, so I have spent the least time with him. The kids are old enough that I don’t try to “mom” them, but I have tried to be a warm and supportive presence. All three of them attended our tiny destination wedding, and all of them seemed happy to be there and happy for us.

All of the kids live primarily with their mother when they are not at college. I have never met her, and she is not open to it—she has refused opportunities to interact with me and only communicates with my husband by email when necessary. I’d like a more cordial relationship, but that would take buy-in from everyone, and she has made clear she isn’t having it.

The oldest is graduating from college. I told my husband that I didn’t need to be there if tickets were limited or if it would make things uncomfortable for his child to have both me and his mother there. Tickets are not limited, but I am not invited. That hurt! More than I expected. I’m going to skip graduation because I made the offer. But I worry I’m setting a bad precedent for future events. I don’t want to put my husband in the position of having to choose whether to attend events involving the kids without me or to refuse to attend if I’m not invited too. I don’t want to make the kids feel like they have to choose between their mother’s feelings and mine. But I also don’t want to spend the next 40 years of family events pretending I don’t exist! How should I handle this when the next graduation rolls around?

banana468

I think you need to talk to your H.  IMO graduations are finicky.  They're the achievement of the child, not really public and while social, not like a wedding or dinner.

So maybe start in with that.  Recognize that you understand that you aren't invited to the graduation but state that you understand there will be social events that come up in the future and you expect that your H will not allow you to be removed from guest lists in favor of someone that has no desire to meet you.

It puts him in a rough position but I'd have a hard time being a partner of someone who considers me his partner only when it doesn't make other people uncomfortable. 

charlotte989875

I’m with banana. A one off for graduation where you offered and it’s ultimately about the kid, isn’t the same thing as not being invited to anything in their lives. What about weddings, babies, birthday parties? I think graduations are a big deal (and we throw parties or dinners to celebrate) and I’d be hurt not to be included. You’re part of his life and not only when his ex-wife isn’t around. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

I’m with banana. A one off for graduation where you offered and it’s ultimately about the kid, isn’t the same thing as not being invited to anything in their lives. What about weddings, babies, birthday parties? I think graduations are a big deal (and we throw parties or dinners to celebrate) and I’d be hurt not to be included. You’re part of his life and not only when his ex-wife isn’t around. 

Oh and I totally agree that if there's a party later to celebrate you're not cool with the H going without you.  I'm really just saying attendance at ceremony only and maybe an immediate meal following.  Once you start to extend a guest list beyond the people that you ever lived with the LW should absolutely be included. 

levioosa

banana468 said:

I think you need to talk to your H.  IMO graduations are finicky.  They're the achievement of the child, not really public and while social, not like a wedding or dinner.

So maybe start in with that.  Recognize that you understand that you aren't invited to the graduation but state that you understand there will be social events that come up in the future and you expect that your H will not allow you to be removed from guest lists in favor of someone that has no desire to meet you.

It puts him in a rough position but I'd have a hard time being a partner of someone who considers me his partner only when it doesn't make other people uncomfortable. 

Ditto this. Granted SIL B was only dating this guy for like six months, but she insisted she go to the high school graduation of her bf’s son even though they didn’t really want her there and I thought that was crazy work. Do not make the graduation about you. But LW is married and overall has a good relationship with the kids and this is much more nuanced. I agree with everything banana said about future event expectations.