Boundaries are fine

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

We just moved and have a pool in our new house. This has proven very popular with the locals, and our teens have made a lot of friends.

The problem is that our daughter’s best friend, “Analise,” is the de facto live-in babysitter for her step- and much younger half-siblings. She can’t come over without the younger kids, and I refuse to turn my house into a daycare.

Analise’s parents are not really responsible and have often done things like expect my family to feed all five kids because they can’t be bothered to be on time, pick up the phone, or send the kids with pocket money. My daughter is very upset that we said that Analise can’t come over as frequently as her brother’s friends. I love my daughter, and I feel for Analise, but I can’t think of another solution. Can you?

—Not a Daycare

banana468

It stinks for Analise but that doesn't mean that it becomes your problem.  Ideally there's something to work out there with the parents but ultimately and especially with a pool I'd take a hard line with how that's managed.

levioosa

There’s zero chance I would take on the oodles of liability that comes from having other children over with a pool. Nope. And I would send some sort of communication, in writing, to that effect. God forbid something happens you have some documentation that you did your best to safeguard against it. 

banana468

levioosa said:

There’s zero chance I would take on the oodles of liability that comes from having other children over with a pool. Nope. And I would send some sort of communication, in writing, to that effect. God forbid something happens you have some documentation that you did your best to safeguard against it. 

Right? 

One of the houses DH and I looked at 15 years ago had an above ground pool.  I told him that had we purchased the house, the pool was going.  

I absolutely do not want one nor the liability of one.  

charlotte989875

Pre-M&J I really wanted an inground pool. H refused because of the maintenance and now, I’m so glad he did because there’s no way I’d want that responsibility. 

I think if you’ve tried to talk to the parents about this, and they don’t answer the phone or seem receptive then you’re doing the right thing. It sucks Analise is in charge all summer, but ultimately that’s her families decision. Invite her over when she doesn’t have the kids, be willing to drive your daughter to Analise’s house, but no way would I be taking on the responsibility and liability of someone else’s little kids around a pool all summer. 

short+sassy

The LW should also point out to their daughter that it's not Analise vs brother's friends because those are different situations.  It's not that Analise herself can't come over as often as them.  It's that she can't bring her 4 much younger siblings with her.

True, the end result is Analise can't come over as often as they do.  But it would be the same thing if one of the brother's friends couldn't go, unless he brought his younger siblings.

Casadena

I also liked Prudies' suggestion here to find some time that just Annelise could come over like after little kiddos bedtime or something where the parents are likely home. They could night swim and have a sleepover and something a little more "special". 

MyNameIsNot

I feel like the pool is a little bit of a red herring. I wouldn't want Analise over at my house when she's babysitting a bunch of younger kids regardless. 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

I feel like the pool is a little bit of a red herring. I wouldn't want Analise over at my house when she's babysitting a bunch of younger kids regardless. 

Also that.  I would not want to feel like I'm suddenly feeling responsible for proofing my home to children younger than mine and feel like that's an assumed responsibility either.  

It's not fair at all to the daughter.  And I'd recognize that with her.  But I'd be really clear that it's about the rules of the house.