Dear Prudence,
I am a white person married to a Black person. We have three kids together. A few situations have come up lately in which white people casually spew coded racism to myself or myself and my partner, and I have frozen in the moment. For example, a white person recently went on a long rant to both of us about how a Black leader “just isn’t smart” and “can’t even write a coherent email.” She never mentioned his race, but the implication was clear. In another situation, someone was going on to us about how they love this particular school because “all of the parents are so hardworking and are the types of people I want to raise my kid around.” Three percent of the students at that school are Black.
Can you help me with a script for how to address these types of coded racist conversations? As the years have passed since my first child was born, I have developed scripts for the more explicit stuff we encounter—comments about my kids’ hair, skin color, and so on. I don’t want to silently sit by for the coded racism, but I don’t know how to respond, or if there is a useful way to respond that could make these people pause and have a think about what they’re saying.