Dear Prudence,
When I was 7, my parents divorced. My dad, a recovered alcoholic, remarried someone wonderful. My mom, however, has a history of falling for men who are accomplished and seem charming but later reveal darker sides. Her current partner left a stressful, high-paying career to become a professor. He loves mentoring and helping students and is generally a great family man. He’s also an alcoholic who is prone to lying and angry outbursts.
He once picked us up from the airport drunk after my grandmother died. He also broke a promise to get sober before marrying my mom—getting drunk for Thanksgiving a week before the wedding, and spending much of the honeymoon on a bender, later saying he promised sobriety “under duress.” While there have been other incidents over the years, these are among the most significant.
Despite these betrayals, I know I can’t control her choices. I also recognize I’ve been overly involved in this scenario because they live 10 minutes away. I’ve pulled back, limiting contact to holidays and birthdays, and while I don’t outright hate him, I certainly have resentment. I do not understand why she stays in the relationship. I worry this grudge is unhelpful, even if justified, as much of this is due to the addiction itself. I don’t want to cut her off, but without meaningful change, distance feels like my only option. How do I maintain compassion without losing myself in the process?
—Righteous Rage?