Dear Prudence,
My brother is a very private, insular person who absolutely hates being the center of attention. He is very uncomfortable receiving gifts, absolutely loathes parties and, relevant to this discussion, never ever celebrates or acknowledges his birthday. He’s about to reach a significant milestone and our mom, who has never been great with boundaries and is a big part of why he’s so withdrawn, is planning a massive surprise party to celebrate the occasion. We’re talking close to a hundred guests, presents, a rented venue, band… She is brushing off all advice, so I gave him a heads up, and he’s going to avoid the situation.
My problem is that my mother is going to freak out. She’s spending a ridiculous amount of money that she cannot really afford. I also don’t want her guests, some of whom are coming a long way at some expense, to travel needlessly. BUT… if my mother finds out that my brother knows, she will harass him to come rather than cancel the event, and we will be in for weeks of whining, tantrums, rage. He’s so done, he will cut her off and, selfishly, that would leave me putting up with her. Would it be wrong just to let her take the hit and manage the fallout? I’m so tired of her nonsense.
—Birthday Basher