Start with a CTJ talk

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I need help dealing with a jealousy issue. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and generally have a happy marriage. He tells me marrying me was the best thing that ever happened to him. But there’s one thing from his past that is threatening to drive me insane, and it recently got a whole lot worse.

So, I’m still deeply jealous of his feelings for his high school friend, Kate. For lack of a better word, she’s his manic pixie dream girl. We’re all in our 30s, but she still acts about 22 and he’s utterly charmed by her. She lives a few states away, so we only see her about once a year, which is the only thing that keeps me sane. Kate is bright and charming and has about a million friends so doesn’t have much time for my husband anymore. The second she gives him a crumb of attention, he drops everything. We recently had a party, and she called him in the middle of it, drunk and bored. He answered and then abandoned our guests to talk to her for 40 minutes.

They never dated but he had a thing for her all through high school and college. Their dynamic seems to be that he will give her money, attention, whatever she wants and she will give him attention when she feels like it. Last year we went on vacation together and she got trashed and pulled me aside to tell me she was uncomfortable with how often he texts her and some of the things he says to her because she likes me so much and I deserve better. Then the next day she didn’t even remember having the conversation. What can I do about this?

banana468

Um, you're being manipulated by Kate.

Tell your H that his relationship with this person is far too close for your liking and cite the things that he does that make you uncomfortable. 

This ventures into deal breaker territory for me.  My husband's money is OUR money and his personal time is something navigated together.  Spending money is my money on her and taking 40 minutes out of an event is also disrespectful as a host.   Stand up for yourself LW!  You are worth it and if your H doesn't see it tell him you know someone else will! 

VarunaTT

It sounds like Kate is really good at manipulating you both.  Agreed, a CTJ talk and maybe even some therapy so that you can have someone educated in personality disorders talk to him about Kate's behavior.  If he doesn't see it and continues to fall for it, I'd say it's a dealbreaker b/c of the time/money issues it's causing. 

MyNameIsNot

This would be a deal breaker to me. It's not really an emotional affair because it doesn't sound like she's really into it so much as getting something from him, but he's in love with her. If he's not willing to go no contact, he can leave. But honestly, I don't think I'd trust him to stop talking to her. He's already very obviously and publicly choosing her over you. 

levioosa

I mean, yes Kate sucks too, but this is also mostly a husband problem. I would be livid if my husband abandoned a party we were hosting for nearly an hour to help some woman who is clearly already crossing boundaries. 

I kind of feel bad for LW. She's concerned about her jealousy, IMO this is one of those situations where the jealousy is totally just her internal intuition trying to send alarm bells down the line. 

short+sassy

I was shocked at the end of the letter.  I assume the seeing her about once a year is because she goes back to her hometown where (I'm assuming) the LW and her H still live.  So even that time is limited because she's visiting other people.

But then the LW talks about a vacation they went on with her!  WTF?!?!  Maybe it was a group/mutual friend type of vacation, but still.  How did that even happen.  Did the LW say "absolutely not", like any normal person would, and the H insisted?

If so, I feel like that plus the abandoning their guests at the party is enough egregious behavior for the LW to say NC with Kate.

The irony is that while the LW's H has known Kate a long time, it sounds like she has only ever been a casual friend that he doesn't know very well.  He's besotted with the imaginary woman he's built up in his mind. If he'd ever actually had a romantic relationship with her, he would have snapped out of it.  She's not necessarily a bad person, but does sound like a superficial one who's more of a taker than a giver.

banana468

I mean, the other possibility is that this H Is just not even good at covering up that he's sleeping with her.  But regardless she's terrible and he's an ass to his wife.